Unwanted Secret: A Confession

Today I want to write a confession. A few years ago, back in highschool, I'm not quite sure when (3rd or 4th year maybe), my life took a sharp turn because of a boy who was close to me until the point where he messed up my life. I've known him since birth, he was I think less than a year older than me. I can't remember his birthday anymore. He is a far bloodline relative and a neighbor so we can say he's my kababata and he would have been a very good big brother of some sort if all went well. The thing is this. After my 2nd year highschool eyeopening era of the harsh realities of life which I intend to share later on, another despicable and well traumatic experience aroused. As a backround, this person who I refuse to type the name, is a gamebuddy of my brother. Since he's an only son and my brother the only young male in the house after my cousins Michoe and Mickee migrated in Canada, (the 5 of us were really close when we were little...kuyas Michoe and Mickee, my brother Richard and me, and he-who-must-not-be-named) he constantly go to our house (specifically our bedroom since Richard and I, with Mama, Papa and my younger sister Jhoanne share only one room in the house) just to play Famliy Computer, Sega, and the latest was the Play Station. Most of the time he comes in the morning or after lunch then until dark. And me being an insomniac and a sleep addict, during weekends it has been a habit that I wake up as late as I want. A lot of times when I wake up, he's already there playing. The scenario usually is like this: my brother on the 2nd level of our double deck bed holding controller, focused on the TV; me sleeping on the first level at the far inside end almost touching the wall, sometimes with my arms wrapped around a pillow; and him sitting on the bed, "focused" on the TV, back in front of me. I'm not really sure when funny things started to happen and honestly, no matter how curious I am, I don't wanna know. One day I realized that I was having weird "sexual" dreams (or nightmares if i can call it that), and weird sensations on my upper private part. Sometimes, I wake up abruptly, like being waken up by something but when I look around, everything's minding their own business. Waking up in an instant is like getting sucked from the deep sleep into reality in a split second with a sort of shock and bounce in the first intake of air. It was troubling as it is. At first I disregarded the sensation, thinking that it might be because of how I was positioned while sleeping...because sometimes when you put your weight on your arms maybe, when you sleep, sometimes when you wake up your arms feel numb, right? That's what I thought! It would never occur to me during that time that whats-his-name would have a dark green intention on his sister-like friend! No wonder he does everything I say without hesitation. No wonder he's so quiet. No wonder...:( When it occured to me that something fishy was really happening, I still couldn't believe it. I just had to see it with my own eyes. I may just as well be dreaming at this point. One morning, I woke up quietly, peeking under my embraced pillow, seeing his back instantly too close to me; eventhough the bed was big enough for the both of us to be a lot farther apart, he was still cramming himself on me. That is when I held my breath really and waited. Not long, I saw dark hands creeping on the bed, under the pillow, and then my worst fear is confirmed. I froze in disbelief. Could this really be happening? There was no hatred. Only pure disbelief. I can't get out of bed. I was almost crying at this point. I changed my position hoping he can't touch me this time. But still he managed. Now there's pity, there's the how can he do this to me and why is he doing this? Shock is the word for it. 'Suntok sa buwan.' Of all people, why me? Why him? This harsh reality was so hard to swallow...is actually. At this moment, he changed my life. Whether there is good in it, I'm not too sure. Of course there's the bad part...the trauma. Before that, there's something more troublesome than any of these reactions. The fact of the matter is, ...it's hard to admit but... the sensation, weird as it is, bad as is should be, cursed as I would want it to be, was pleasurable. This certain part made me hate him. He put unto me the curse of horniness men are enjoying. Later on I would feel myself, I would dream and fantasize. But knowing how bad it is according to my beliefs, I fought it with all my might and now I'm able to live with the minimal thought of sex. The touch is said to be the most emotional form of communication. A man's touch on a woman is heaven in the sensation of the flesh but I know that this feeling should have to wait until such time that I will be married to the man worthy of touching me. This has been the trouble in my mind more than anything. This is my secret. No one has ever known. Putting it here is a risk I've got to take. I've told Tita Ollie about the incident but that was it. This may be normal for a lot of people but I refuse to accept it. If I were innocent on this topic, curious as I am, it think would be better for me. I wanted to learn about man and woman's sexual activities when I get bound to a lifelong commitment with my partner. That is why sometimes, I get uneasy watching arousing scenes, or reading arousing texts. My story hasn't ended yet. I was not yet crying that time. I felt my heart pounding, with mixed emotions, one with anticipation. I removed my pillow and waited. With eyes closed, I could feel him a couple of times peering under my shirt. I still didn't move. The last thing he did was this: something that will haunt me for the rest of my life... He slid his palm under my shirt, under my bra, on top of my left breast. He laid it there for a long while. Then he played with the nipple and kinda stretched it once before he pressed one last time, hard to slid his hand free. "It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now..." A few moments more and I was in the bathroom crying. That was the end of it. I cried once and that's it. I'll never cry again for the bastard. I'm right here pouring my heart out, hard as it is for me. I won't argue the fact that I there's something that makes me breathe deeply when I see or think about anything that involves him. I'm not quite sure if I hate him. Nanghinayang talaga akong mawala siya bilang kaibigan at kababata ko. But that's just the way it is. Things can never be the same again. I can't face him anymore without the memories rushing back to me. I've brought this topic to confession just this year. It actually made things easier for me. I've forgotten my experience. I know I already forgave him. But one thing bothers me...he never asked for forgiveness. He never explained himself. I don't know if it was my fault when I told him never to let me see his face again that he never had the chance to say sorry. But he could if he wanted to. Even through a letter. I do not like the idea that things will be forever like this between us. That the pain will never ease, the tension will always be there. I'd like to walk freely, not being worried when I see him. I just wish I could hear his side. But I do not want to be the one to initiate it. I'm too afraid of what I might hear. I just don't like it when there's nothing to do and suddenly I remember those things that ruined my vision of a goodness somewhere in a man. It just made me trust less, love less, restrict my feelings, control/hide/pigil my emotions toward the opposite sex. Although I'm not really the vocal type when it comes to these confessing of love or like, the mad torture made me hide in my shell more. On top of all these, I learned about my father's loyalty to my mom to be foul just some time ago during my second year high school. I intend not to face this trauma yet (if I do have a trauma). Let's say that I'm afraid to love. Don't blame me for having something bad happen to me at such a tender age. The day after the incident I think, I wrote a letter to jerkman telling him not to dare set foot on our house again, to never let me see him again. I gave it to him when he was on his way home. That was our last conversation. He never went back to play with my brother anymore. But being as close as he is to me, location-wise and social-wise, there will always be the possibility that I come across him. Of course I would act as if there's no one there. So will he. There are events still that fate destines us to see each other again. Two times already happened when he was also invited to our family swimming. What can I do? Nothing. That's how harsh it really is for me. One time, I had to help him with the food in the wake of her grandmother. It sets my mood to down under hell whenever I see him, or hear his voice, or hear his name, etc. I've accepted the fact that I have to live this way forever. But I hope that things will change. When I accepted this, I also learned to make myself numb of things that might hurt me. I've grown in wisdom, in caution. Yet I also developed fear, uncertainty... I wish this never happened but I know this wish can never come true. Reality bites. But happiness is just within my reach. So I bury this secret, I lock this memory, I close this chapter and continue being happy with my life. This is the last time I'm going to be open about it...until I make a decision to tell my mom about it. Trials make you strong. Now I'm wonderwoman!:p

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas!

Before the Christmas break I was having fun at school with my colleagues B-anne, Eisen, Rainer and Selina. During our last two weeks, not a day passed by that I went earlier than 8am! Haha! I got to school at 7:45am only once; just to pass my homework in Psychology. Whew! What have I done?! Well I don't know... I feel tired/lazy everyday. Going to the mall, or doing things for my debut. Worst of all, THINKING...about my exams (my Physics test sucks, my 2nd Calculus test probably worse), about Lyndon wanting to die...again, about my debut, about how my dad can pay for all the expenses, about stuff...lots of stuff!

December 16 was Paskuhan (The Christmas and most awaited event of the year; also traditionally it was the signal for the end of schooldays for the year and the start of vacation) in UST. At first, I was down, knowing that there will be no fireworks this year. I wasn't able to see the pyrotechniques last year so I was really looking forward to it. The fund that the school would have used for the fireworks was instead donated to the victims of the simultaneous Typhoons for the past weeks. If it's for a good cause then I'm supportive of that. Unknowingly, when I got to the event, I spotted a lot of people. And I mean a lot, compared to the previous years. I haven't heard about it but it so happens that the popular band Rivermaya was invited to perform in exchange for the fireworks. It was one hell of an evening for me! I can't believe it became the Paskuhan yet for me! I was just a few feet away from the stage and Rico Blanco was amazing! Of course, I was with my friends and that made me feel the best!

The next day, I was in school after lunch to accompany Lyndon to the guidance but the councelor wasn't there despite talking to her the day before to expect us. And so, we just ate lunch together. I was glad that I made him happy that day. At 2pm, it was my appointment with my classroom buddies. B-anne and Rainer was at the meeting place when I got there with Lyndon, and as usual, Eisen was late! The four of us, excluding Lyndon, went on with our escapade...billiards, billiards and more billiards! hehehe...who won? Did you really have to ask that?! haha just kidding... We had a lot of fun of course. Oh I forgot that we(they) ate at McDonalds before that and this is cute...we had our exchange gift right then and there.:p We headed to B-anne's house and brought their roof down with our exceptional singing! It was embarassing but we didn't care! We were on a high...hehe When it was time to go home, I still didn't feel like going. In short, Eisen and I spent the night there and we all agreed to attend the 2nd night of the Simbang Gabi together. (I kinda unintentionally stood them up the day before for the 1st Simbang Gabi). It was really fun. We watched TV, sang on the videoke, played cards, ate dinner, ate chips, ate candies, surfed the net, actually made a survey on Friendster, took pictures, chat a lot...but mostly sang! We were frustrated singers..haha! One moment, I genuinely felt that I like Eisen, but then he's just a really great guy friend that's really fun to be with. In the morning, we surprised Patrick when he fetched B-anne to go to church. I hope we can do this more often.ร�

The following days included Christmas shopping, watching movies (I've watched 2 MMFF films - Sigaw and Enteng Kabisote)... I've grown fond of Cubao when the new Gateway mall opened there. I read the book entitled "The Da Vinci Code" as if it was a preparation for Christmas. All I can say is bravo! It is such a powerful novel, well written, informative (for me at least) and inspirational. Of course, Lyndon was still on my tail. But he has grown happy after I went with him last 16 and 17 but then at this point of time, he's back in his own death world (could it be in Bicol where he is right now?) and I don't know if I still can hurl him back to reality as I have for the last few months. Would you believe that during the last few days, I've actually done my homework? At least, the homeworks I can do... I feel good about myself. I can't do it all though, and I know I have to study a lot more and be the opposite of lazy more often! I pray that I may well do better this coming new year! I chat almost every night now...But not today since the day before..how cool!

The Christmas: December 23, 2004. I decided that I would make cereal bars and cheesecake instead of buying and wrapping presents for my loved ones. The only presents I handed out were the bracelet for Eisen as an exchange gift and pillows for Camille, Acriza and B-anne. The bars didn't look as pretty as I would have wanted it but it tasted really really good. The cheesecake however, looked good but was way too sweet for anyone and the top layer didn't quite harden so it was like graham with strawberry cream cheese and condensed milk sauce. Don't blame me, it was my first time!:)
My family celebrated our Christmas Eve at Cavite where my father's family lives. It was boring, yes, but at least we were together for the celebration and that's all I need. Eventhough I used to hate my family because it was not perfect enough for me, I've learned to appreciate every one of them and I love them so much. Being their flesh and blood is enough to make them the biggest part of me....... On Christmas day, I was assigned to take pictures (from the digicam my father brought home when his 3-day vacation from his work in Subic transpired) of my 4 cousins, all scheduled to be baptized that day. I got P400 worth of pamasko there and my grandmother Mameng promised to make the gown for my debut. This made me put red down on my list as the official color scheme for the occasion. We went back to Manila and I got a total of 3 presents..haha! The lamest Christmas ever in terms of gifts.

I can't sleep...that is why I'm doing this actually... I haven't slept last night either... I was able to sleep like 6 in the morning so I feel very groggy when I woke up at lunchtime. December 30 a while ago and I was supposed to be in Enchanted Kingdom with Acriza and a few of her relatives but I felt a bit sick and awkward to be with them eventhough I was with them last year, then in Star City. I remember I puked when we were riding on the ferris wheel..haha! The Ferris Wheel! But it's not what you think it is. I puked because I was already feeling sick because of the rides we tried and mostly because of the squid stink everywhere! Stop the flashback... Now I'm just waiting for the new year to arrive in 22 hours...:D Before I stop, I just want to add that I miss Jose, I told Patrick about my secret crush, Justin..hehe...I'll stop!!! With my now-favorite line i bid you farewell...with a funny voice:Luvy'ol!!!:p

my feet *bow*

my feet hurts, my body's tired, my eyes are sore, my mind full and my stomach growling... this past week I've been ouside the house searching for a nice venue, teaching at Thea's, going to the mall to buy stuff or to accompany my brother, tambay at school then at one time went to church with B-anne and Tita Nette. That is why I've grown tired and ugly...hehe

I've read a pocketbook titled "Tuesdays with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. It was very inspirational and overwhelming that it actually made me cry..first time from a book! Probably because it was based on real life. I love it!

I made up with Patrick and told him the things I didn't like about him that made me irritated but still he's backing away from me. I told Banne I don't like Patrick..hehe Eisen, Selina, B-anne and Rainer are getting closer to me. Eisen's Dolfy jokes and teases are gradually becoming less thank you!

I failed in my first Physics exam... 48/100 and 55 is the passing. I swear it didn't occur to me that I would fail this test. The prof's grading is unfair. It's such a shame because she teaches well yet she grades us poorly. Only a few of us passed that quiz. Now we miss our former physics professor. I skipped Philosophy class for two hours; good thing she didn't check the attendance! I attended Physics Lab 1 hour late and when I got in, my groupmates already finished the experiment; and I was the leader for the day...how will I ever make that report now?! I never listen to my Computer lecture class and instead, I play paper games with my seatmate Rex. It's just so hard to listen to a robotic teacher like Sir Morsiquillo. I so miss Mrs Tabamo though I don't like her that much...she teaches stuff that we need, not what's trash. Calculus is as always, "taught" by my soft spoken professor who "teaches"...yes... "teaches" us. I hope I get the lesson right away when I self study for the exam on wednesday. Strikes and storms sweep UST that is why a lot of days were crossed out for schooling. Cool? Maybe..

Lyndon is becoming okay i think. He's not dramatic anymore. He asked me once again if we could go out but I made an alibi. The alibi came true anyway the other day when I had to go to my tita not to babysit as I told lyndon but to look at some venues for my birthday.

I've lessened by YM moments because of my busy status and because I want to get away from Justin but when Eisen and B-anne are online, I go online as well.:p Justin is getting in my nerves again..since that PE day that he danced without his shoes on. So cute!;) I had to get him out of my mind again...after all my efforts before, IT JUST HAD TO COME BACK! But now it's easier to detach i hope..c:

Christmas holiday is just around the corner, and so is the holiday break. I'm afraid I have no money! waaaa... I've spent too much. One for food, because of my goal of gaining body mass; for the gifts I bought for debutants this last year; stuff I purchased for myself including school stuff which sometimes I never asked my mom to replace the money I spent; my cellphone load... and stuff so eventhough I get to work (and it's not really regular that's why I miscalculated my gross..hehe) I still mishandled my money this time. Maybe there's just too much to pay right now.

I just hope things can go easily after a couple of days. It's almost break time anyway. I need that. My feet hurts!

just

no I can't get you out of my mind... why? why can't I get you out of my mind? tell me why! napagusapan nanaman kasi kanina. natuwa nanaman ako sa kanya kaninang dancing. oh how can I get you out of my head? justin justin justin... I wanna know...if you still like me? or did you even like me? or if the feeling is gone? and why did it left you? or hasn't it? yet you can't do things because of what you think... oh my goodness!!! i don't want to write any longer... perhaps love is just a river flowing... is this love that i feel? infatuation? obsession? addiction? affection? grrrrrrr... i don't think so. i'd like to believe this is just a puppy love. eventhough it's lasted for almost two years now. i don't want it to end up like my feelings for jose. then he went away... i didn't even say goodbye. now my insides are fighting about what i should do. 'should i tell him? i'm chickening out. but this my become a love waiting to happen...just waiting and never becoming real...................................................think mary! feel.... what should you do?