LP: Recently

Lately we've been talking
Lately we've been going out

Once in a week or two
No cash I pull out too

But "The Pirates" its too touchy
My mind's soup now so crazy

Serious talk is coming
Pounding will be calming

"Everyday is a happy day!":p

MGQ: Closure

T'was May 2, I went to a house tripping in Camella, Cavite with Mama and Jhoanne then went to meet Manny in Centris 2hrs late.

It started when we started texting again. He said some things, called me a liar, "fvck this world" kind of stuff one morning while he was frustrated with another girl.
We ate at Uncle Cheffys (funny, we wanted to eat there before. didn't really expect we'd eat there on the account of this meet up). He almost exploded. He shared how bad his life has become. I shared to him my letter on my previous post. I shared how I wanted to get back with him a few months back. It was a calming conversation. It lifted much of our burden to let things out. I, being guilty about leaving him. Him, being bitter. Somehow his perspective changed, our conversation connected. I gave him "Endearmints" candy from Fish n Co. He smiled. He's still the Manny that I used to know with that smile. We parted ways with a hug. Maybe next year will be better for us, as friends. Looking forward to that. But for now, again, no communication. For real. :)

The next day he texted. Hahaha he said he forgot that we're not supposed to talk. =))

The day after that we met at McDo because he said that he needed to say something.
In short, he wanted to get back together. I said no. The end. I hope he grows up to be a happy boy. I also wish that we both find our happiness. I care. I still do.

"Everyday is a happy day!":p

MGQ: I'm Guilty

Dear Manny, I'M WRITING THIS LETTER NOT TO CONFUSE YOU, NOT TO HURT YOU, NOT TO TRY TO GET YOU BACK. IT MAY SOUND SELFISH BUT I JUST NEED TO LET OUT MY STRUGGLES. HERE GOES. I THOUGHT I'VE MOVED ON ALREADY BUT I HAVEN'T. I GUESS THERE'S REALLY NO SHORTCUT TO BREAKUPS. NO EASY WAY, NO PERFECT SEPARATION. AND I'M ALSO GOING THROUGH THAT LONG HARD PROCESS. I GUESS AFTER HURTING YOU MORE, NUNG NAGING PAASA LANG AKO WITHIN THE LAST FEW MONTHS, PROBABLY AFTER READING THE BOOK NA RIN, I JUST FELT SO MUCH GUILT IT'S BEEN HARD FOR ME TO CONTAIN IT. BEEN CRYING MORE OFTEN LATELY. I JUST COULDN'T FORGIVE MYSELF..

Nawalan ng net so I took the time to write it down on a piece of paper.
I met up with Manny last May 3 at Centris and ate ate Uncle Cheffys. We had a really good talk and closure. I also showed him my letter.

    I'm writing to you this letter not to confuse you, not to hurt you, not to try to get back to you. I don't know what this will do to you but I just had to open up to you. You can throw this away after reading it. I'm doing this for me so please bear with me.

    I thought I've moved on already but I haven't. I'm stuck. I know I can't go back yet I still can't move on. Maybe you feel the same way. I guess there's no such thing as a "good breakup." Tama ka, the better the separation, the harder it is. Walang easy way, walang shortcut, pagdadaanan mo talaga ang mahabang proseso. And for me, the relationship we had was too perfect and it was long, para kalimutan na lang basta. What's ultimately stopping me from moving on is the guilt. I still can't forgive myself from ruining your life. Naiinis pa rin ako sa sarili ko kasi hindi kayang pagkasunduan ng buong pagkatao ko ang desisyon tungkol sa bagay na to. Logically, masaya na dapat ako kasi wala na kong dapat hanapin sa qualities mo. Safe at secure na ako most specially sa love at loyalty mo sakin. Pero ang pagiging masaya ay hindi logical. Bilang taong mind over heart, nahihirapan akong isantabi ang sinasabi ng utak ko at pakinggang lang ang heart (or guts) ko. My instincts are telling me to move on. My path diverged talaga. Napakapasaway nya, ang sarap nyang pagalitan. Pero sabi nga, if it's about the matters of the heart, let your heart decide, not your head. I tried to go back, Manny, alam mo yun. I tried hard but I just can't force myself to consistently be that person for you. Last Feb, I did things that I probably shouldn't have done. That time, the letter, the gift, the texts... I thought I realized that I wanted you back. Yun pala, hindi ko kayang panindigan. Siguro nadala lang ako ng emosyon ko. It was the first time after 5 years na nawalan ng meaning ang Feb 14 at Feb 24 sa kalendaryo ko. Sa tagal na rin ng pagninilaynilay ko, kahit pano, nafigure out ko na rin na kaya ako nahihirapan, dahil I'm still living in the past. Nung binabasa ko yung mga email conversations natin, pati iyung sinend ni Futureme.org nung Feb24, hindi ko maiwasang manghinayang. It was perfect. Anong nangyari? Bat kelangan humantong sa ganito? You know me Manny, most of the time gusto ko hanapin ang positive sa bawat sakuna. And I try to accept my failures and see them as opportunities for growth. But this is by far the biggest challenge I've faced. Tao lang din ako and I still get weak. I get confused. I try to be strong and positive pero minsan bumibigay din talaga ko. Bilang perfectionist, at dahil ayaw kong makasakit, lalo akong nakakasakit, a lalo akong nagiging too hard on myself. Sabi sa FEAST, before healing can take place, dapat patawarin ko muna yung sarili ko. Nakakatawa, kasi I kept telling you before na masyado kang nagseself pity, pero look at me now. Hindi ko pa magawang mapatawad ang sarili ko. Maybe that's the reason why I'm writing to you this letter. manny, I want to ask for your forgiveness. Alam ko twing naguusap tayo lagi na lang akong nagsosorry. Feeling ko nga nawala na yung essence nya sa pandinig mo kasi lagi ko na lang sinasabi. Feeling ko rin, na kapag nakita na kitang masaya, at may bago nang pagibig, gagaan na yung pakiramdam ko at hindi na ko magguilty. Pero sa ngayon, ang pakiramdam ko, gagaan lang yung pakiramdam ko pag napatawad mo na ko. There's no valid explanation to me hurting you. Love died on me. It's my fault. Kung gusto mong gumanti sakin, siguro makakaganti ka by not forgiving me. But I do hope that you find it in your heart na mapatawad ako. I will always be thankful for our past but I shouldn't let myself be haunted by it forever. I also have the present to live on. Sa ngayon siguro hahayaan ko na lang muna mafeel ang guilt, ang panghihinayang, ang mga katangahan at pagkakamali ko in the past, hanggang sa matanggap ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako perpekto. Hanggang sa panahong maidrawing ko yung linya between the past and the present. Hihintayin ko na mapatawad mo ko. Someday. Mapapatawad ko rin yung sarili ko. I know, healing will take place. Mahirap, sobra, pero kaya yan! In God's time. I will be patient.

The Ehbehb Memory Bank Relived

First entry from the Ehbehb Memory Bank and Organizer dated Feb 10, 2010. The break up has become harder and harder and harder. Guilt is setting in TOO MUCH it has become so confusing and so painful. a few days back we started talking again and it's not doing good to any of us. Harsh words are coming from him. We're about to meet later or tomorrow. I still don't know how to deal with this situation. I really need to sit this down alone and internalize. Lord, please grant me the wisdom and the heart to do the best.

Hi ehbehb!

Happyyyyyyyyyyy! I'm so happy i don't know how to express it! ahahaha! Anyway ehbehb, this is my creative gifty to you. It may not be create to you but it is to me. Hehe. I PRESENT TO YOU, THE EHBEHB MEMORY BANK AND ORGANIZER!

Hehehe ehbehb the organizer thing isn't really done yet so I PRESENT TO YOU THE EHBEHB MEMORY BANK THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ALSO AN ORGANIZER BUT ISN'T DONE YET! Bwahahaha!

Oi d2 mu nlng input mga stuff na nangyayare saten. Mas matipid 'to tska it saves planet Earth! I can claim that i am helping mother earth by doing this project kc it is a GREEN PROJECT. hehehe. save paper!

Naku ehbehb baka mapahaba tong unang entry ko. hehe. kc may intro pa and further developments na gs2 ko malaman mo pero anyway by word of mouth ko nlng cguro ssbhn ung mga innovations na un.

Ehbehb, how many months are we now? bilanging mo nga! hahaha! i just want you to know that i love you and nothing can compare the love that you are giving me, the special attention and the care that i am experiencing right now from you is one of a kind and something i will truly cherish for the rest of my life. and i want you to know that i want you to bear my name in the future. i want my kids to grow up having a mother like you. you are so perfect. i want to grow old w/ you always by my side, never letting go inspite my incompetencies in life, inspite of my kakulitan and katamaran and the likes that a woman would never want her man to have. bkt mo ba ko natitiis? something inside me tells me that you're never letting go because you trust me. something / Someone from above also keeps on whispering to me that you are that special someone for me, so don't ever let go. all this makes sense whenever i think of you.

ehb, even though lately i'm becoming the quiet type, i want you to know that i'm struggling to break free from it. i don't want to keep it a habit. i want to always be happy and magulo and makulit w/ you. i never want to be the kind of man that i don't want myself to be. these are the kinds and the likes of which i've grown to be with. i now know their flaws and error of their ways, and i never want that to happen between us.

ehbehb, i'm giving you all that i am. kht na mejo matamlay, mejo tinatamad at mejo walang gana, don't ever ever think na nagsasawa na ko sau or something like that. it's not that at all. there are these things that i keep on thinking. everyday. some of these things ehb i want to keep for myself. i want you to respect my privacy. these things, ehb, i want to bear alone. don't get the wrong impression ehb. i'm not isolating myself from you. there would be a time wherein i would let it all out and you will be the 1st one to know, or maybe our kids some day, hehe. but despite it all ehb, my love for you has grown stronger than ever and i believe no one could ever break it down. the love we our having right now is truly amazing and i can stand up to anyone who will try to break us apart. i will kill them. joke! hehehe tama na senti nose bleed na ko, minsan lang to noh! hahaha!

be happy mappy ehby! mappy mappy maaaaappppyyyyyy! bleh! sulat ka everyday or whenever you want. i will be further improving this database ehbehb. para magkakaron din tau ng automatic database update, para ung mga inputs ko at inputs mo eh nauupdate. haha! i'm still researching on how to that one eh. pero for now, separate nalang muna ung database naten para at least maramirami ang ibabacktrack kapag nagshare tau ng memories. bwahahaha!

happy inputting! luv luv ehbehb!

=)

"Everyday is a happy day!":p