I went to Coron and got home depressed

Typing "I'm tired of my life" in Google search bar. This is what i saw: "The best way to get rid of anxiety is to take action despite your fear. Exercise, smiling at people, greeting people warmly and taking an interest in them… yes, it seems impossible but it’s easy when you force yourself to do it over and over. EVERYONE has anxiety but when you start retreating from people and life, your anxiety will take over."

You see, in my 23 years of living, it is only now that I feel most uncomfortable with my life. I have always been contented with what I have when I was in school. Everything that I ever need was right in front of me. I have a family, a family that I love and that loves me. Although they are not as normal and as good as I would like it to be, I was contented. And I still am happy to have them and my extended family as well. I had friends. Sure enough, when you are in school, everyday you get to be with the same people. Sad that I wasn't mature enough at that time to keep their friendship longer than school days. I was contented with that for the moment. Elementary and high school life being shy as I am, not taking risks, not partying, not drinking or smoking, not going places, having fun with the simplest of things, happy with TV and hanging out, contented as hell. Stepping into College, things changed just a bit. There came taking risks, going places and keeping and losing friends. Yet still, I was contented as hell.

Ever since I started working, I started ranting but I've kept my cool. I can't tell if I've gone better or worse because CA2020 stuff doesn't excite me anymore. I don't know if I've lost hope already, fear more, or am deciding not to take that path to great heights. I'm scared that I might be drifting more into the rat race, and the "normal." I want to live simply, but do I want to live normally? Or am I over reacting to reality? I don't know. That's what's bothering me. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to act. Not knowing what I want. People will always advise you to live your dreams. Strive hard to reach your goals. That is exactly right. But what if, you don't have a dream. You want to, but you can't figure out what you want to do with your life. What is it deep down in my heart? What is it that won't show itself? Will I be stuck here broken for the rest of my life, or until that epiphany shows itself one day when it's too late? If I just know what it is, it would be much easier for me to act. I believe that that is the root of what's bothering me. I am not contented with where I am right now and what I am doing. But really, why? Is it about work? Or is it about relationships? Somehow, right now, I'm beginning to analyze if the latter has an effect with my feelings. Could I be bored with my relationship? Could I be that feeling locked up? Could it be that we've reached the end of our growth together? If yes, is it time to say goodbye? But then, I just can't do that. I AM NOT SURE. If it is not the reason, then I could be losing the greatest person, the best friend that I have right now. Could this just be another trial? What ifs...they're too many I can't make a move.

How do you confront the problem if you don't know the problem at all?



I just got back yesterday morning from an almost 3-day vacation with my officemates in Coron, Palawan. It showed me that I am attracted to this guy. It showed me that I shouldn't because he'd only hurt me. And he is hurting me right now. By being what he is. This is another struggle that I have to deal with in my relationship with Manny. My mind is dominant but my thoughts is of what's inside my heart and it doesn't feel good. Taking risks. I've done that before and it hurts most when you know you inflict pain.

One thing that I did realize in Coron is this. No matter how beautiful the atmosphere is, no matter how far the distance, these past few days, it didn't feel divine or peaceful. It's like, taking a break isn't what I need. I can do that anytime, all the time and when I go back to my routine, my life would still be useless. I need a life changing act as a more permanent solution to my problem. I didn't appreciate Coron as much as I did Laiya, Batangas when I went there last year. Why? I ask myself and still can't figure out exactly. And it is sad to think that if I suddenly didn't enjoy Coron that much, wouldn't it mean that I wouldn't enjoy anything like that anymore? I used to feel peaceful when I am one with nature. But this time, it completely threw me off that today, it was just not the case. It is just so disturbing that I feel depressed right now. The only explanation I can offer is that, temporary fulfillment is useless. I need God right now.

"Prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when you become quiet and listen to God. You've learned how to talk and ask well. Time to learn how to listen and hear, because God has been answering you."