summer's getting better

Let's face it... Summer has been boring, sad and so damn hot! It first started out well cause I thought I would be spending my summer on guitar lessons and teaching Calculus plus the long awaited trip back to Ilocos! Little did I know that everything on that list will go kapoof! I stopped going on workshops because B-anne can't go then Rainer can't go too. Secondly, teaching Calculus wasn't necessary anymore. Lastly, Tita Ollie and Jay-Ar fought over Ollie's boyfriend that's why we can't go to Ilocos. What a lame excuse to not go! I was looking forward to it! I'm looking forward to fresh air, nature trippings, simple life and yes, I admit, I want to see how Glenn had become since we last saw each other in the summer of 2002. Dare I write the story? No. I'll just state it in brief. I had a crush on him when I first visited Ilocos one summer when I was 14. The next year I he courted me. Then on the last day of my stay we were together and I had my first real kiss. That's all I have to say for now.

Anyway, I thought too that summer would still be okay since I have a textmate by the name of Daniel. But eversince I "went to Rizal," he rarely call or text me. I wasn't able to tell him about my "stay in Rizal" but I think Kats and his summer study are the main reasons why he's not papampam anymore. It was a coincidence I think that Eisen started to ring my fone almost every late in the evening for nothing. Lyndon was also back in the scene. He called me once, the day before he went back to Bicol, then up until now he sends me text messages like he used to. No quotes, just his texts about his love and his suicidal attitude. Before I continue with my classmates topic. I want to share something I wrote in friendster blog. I should have typed it here but heck, here it is anyway:

"Yesterday, I was at Camille's house with Acriza. Shempre ansaya ko kasi tagal na naming ndi nagkita! Naaliw pa tlga ko kasi coincidentally, pinalabas sa MTV Diyes yung Top 10 Linkin Park songs (kaya ndi kme nkauwi agad). Shempre kming 3 LP fans dati pa kya todo tutok kme nun. OP man ako kc preho cla mka-Mike Shinoda pnagbigyan ko n lng cla..haha! Lalang! Natutuwa lang ako kasi kahit ndi kme mxado in touch ni Acre (dahil sa bundok sha nakatira, wlang fonlyn thus d pdeng katelebabad o kchat, sobrang mgkalau skul at bahay nmin, at di nya kme mpapunta ni camil sa kng san sang malayo dhl lam nyang wlang mangyyari samin), still alive and kickin pa rin ang frendship namin! Saludo ko sa kanya! Lam kong between me and Acriza, sha mas ngeexert ng effort to spend time with me. Kaya nga twing ngyayaya yan ndi ako mkatanggi kahit pa me Physics finals kinabukasan at alas dose na ko mkauwi okei lang! Bat ako tatanggi? Mga ganyang invitations bihira lang kya every chance i get, i don't hesitate to grab. Walang sagot na "ndi ako pwede" pg c Acre na nagyaya. Manigas na muna ung assignment/project/quiz/finals/ubo/sipon/lagnat/pc/appointment/pati lakad ksama ibang prends. Hehe sobra... cge, one time dpat mgeEK kme ksama cousins nya pero me sakit ako kya di na ko sumama. The point here is, Acriza's a frend i can't bear to lose. How she treats and values her friends can't compare to all my friendster friends combined. When you meet a person like that, you're lucky. Don't let anything bad happen to your friendship. Losing that person can mean losing a whole lot of you. Treasure these friends who are willing to go into a lot of trouble just to be with you, to laugh or cry with, share their feelings and empathize with yours too. Ayan luto na ung pancakes, kain na ko! Ciao!;p"

That happened last wednesday. Yesterday was different. Patrick asked me to go to school with Rainer and Eisen. He said he just wants to surprise B-anne. I saw Senedy there too and her hair is longer now. Eisen's hair is longer too and I was like whoa, nice hair! Of course I didn't say it out loud.;p I don't want to do anything that would make me obvious. Pat, Eisen and I went to B-anne's house. We just watched "The Aviator" and then a few Anime while eating popcorn. Eisen fell asleep yet again! He loves the sofa in B-anne's house! We went home and Patrick offered to walk me to our house. He was shocked when he saw a lot of people inside. Sorry for that Patrick but things are just like that in our little home. Well he shocked me too when he told me he's given up with B-anne. I always thought he'll be the last man standing. How wrong I was! He even wants me to be his new "karir" now that he's out of girls. Ha! Sheesh I don't like it. Though he has this effect on girls, I don't want to fall for a "bad guy" like him. He has a lot of girls you know. Not so long ago, he admitted having a crush on me first that any girl in the room. I don't believe him for the reason that Lesley, B-anne and Kat are more eyecatching than me. I don't know. Very few people notice me because of my physical appearance. One reason is because I don't like to dress up and doll myself to please the people who will look my way. I don't want guys to look at my appearance, I want them to know who I really am. I want them to like who I am and not what I look like. That's why if I easily reject guys who says they want to know me better because they seem to like what I appear to be. I just don't go with guys like that. [probably an exception for Glenn but that's another story] If I get into a relationship, I hope it begins in a friendship then blooms into another level. Sort of what happened to Lydon but I'm sorry to say that he's the only one that went into the next level. This could happen to me and Eisen though, but I'm not hoping. I don't want my heart to break if I expect it and it won't happen. I'll just get hurt so I'm sticking to plan: hide your feelings and be happy that you're close friends. Summer's getting better. Physically, I'm improving thanks to the new work out machine Tito Henry brought home one day. I'll probably get addicted to it anytime soon. I ran almost two kilometers today. I love the sweat it makes me give off, and the firm muscles it tones. It has made me feel and look healthy and I love how it has really improved my health so far. I've been with friends. I talked to Francesse (my elem bestfriend) last night for two and a half hour. I am happy when I'm with them. Yesterday was the last airing of Full House. GMA cut a lot of scenes. Strategy! So they can air an uncut version later. Sheesh! I'm not into PC that much now and that is good. I'm also not so hot about the guitar anymore but I still play it. It's just that I get a bit frustrated sometimes cause I can see very little improvement on my finger positioning. Yeah, Daniel did say "Nobody said it was easy" and he's right. I just hope I don't give up on it cause playing the guitar is just so cool. Not just cool, I really like the music it produces along with my love for singing (not in front of a crowd of course!). I'm looking forward now to a night swimming in the usual place we go swimming to. In Filinvest. They say there's a new built slide. I wanna try it. I'm also looking forward to having a few days' vacation in Rizal at Tita Susan's house if she's gonna let me.;p I feel good now and I want to enjoy this vacation still. Pacific Plans going down? I'll worry about that later. I hope Richard gets in swimming varsity so he can avail a full scholarship from UST. That would be a great help now that Pacific Plans won't pay our tuition anymore.^_^

"Everyday is a happy day!":p

about school...

Here are my grades so far:
[1.00 highest, 3.00 passing, 5.00 fail]

Freshman (2003-2004)
1st sem

GENERAL CHEMISTRY I 1.75
GENERAL CHEMISTRY I LAB 1.75
ENGINEERING DRAWING I 2.0
COMMUNICATION SKILLS I 2.25
COLLEGE ALGEBRA 1.5
PE: SOFTBALL 1.5
PHILIPPINE HISTORY 1.75
CONTEXTUALIZED SALVATION HISTORY 1.25
VALUES EDUCATION 2.25

2nd sem

GENERAL CHEMISTRY II 2.5
GENERAL CHEMISTRY II LAB 1.5
ENGINEERING DRAWING II 1.25
COMMUNICATION SKILLS II 1.0
TRIGONOMETRY 2.75
GEOMETRY 1.75
PE: BASIC VOLLEYBALL 1.25
RIZAL COURSE 1.75
CHURCH AND SACRAMENTS 1.75

Sophomore (2004-2005)
1st sem

COMPUTER PROGRAMMING I 2.0
SINING NG PAKIKIPAGTALASTASAN 2.0
FILIPINO LITERATURE IN ENGLISH 2.0
DIFFERENTIAL CALCULUS WITH ANALYTIC GEOMETRY 2.5
NSTP LITERACY TRAINING SERVICE I 1.0
PE: HANDBALL 1.25
LOGIC 1.5
COLLEGE PHYSICS I 2.5
COLLEGE PHYSICS I LAB 2.25

2nd sem

COMPUTER PROGRAMMING II 2.0
TECHNICAL COMMUNICATION I 2.0
PAGBASA AT PAGSULAT SA IBA'T IBANG DISIPLINA 2.75
INTEGRAL CALCULUS 2.5
NSTP LITERACY TRAINING SERVICE II 2.0
PE: SOCIAL DANCING 1.5
CHRISTIAN ETHICS 1.75
COLLEGE PHYSICS II 2.5
COLLEGE PHYSICS II LAB 2.5
GENERAL PSYCHOLOGY 2.75

There... See how my grades dropped?? from almost a dean's lister. (dean's lister if PE's included in computations) to a lot of 2's and below. Eversince i entered college... eversince ever! i haven't been studying to my limits. during highschool everything was "oh is there a quiz today? okay i'll study later" then i'll pass... oftentimes with high grades usually in math. i got a perfect hundred percent in math when i graduated! (that's equivalent to 95 in card grade... the highest one can ever get) i got 89 something in average that's why i decided to take up ECE, that needed 88 average to be exempted if you're from USTHS, instead of what i actually took the test for... CE. I passed CE and Accounting in UST, got a high UPCAT 2 something. It's not very high but it pretty good and I could have got into UP if I wanted to. even if i didn't "pass." well, you could say that i passed the exam but i failed to get in because of the quota and the competition but if i appealed to UP, i could have gotten in. anyway, i realized i don't want to take up accounting. so i made the right choice with UST.

In a few weeks, i'll be an junior. even before the classes ended, i realized how neglectful i have been in my studies. on my birthday, camille even wished me to be a DL. she says i can do it. i don't know. maybe i can. but i'm not sure what's hindering me from doing well and giving my best in my studies. lack of purpose? lack of motivation? or am i simply just lazy? whatever reason might it be, i need to concentrate and focus on what i have to do. last march, kuya victor, 2 levels higher than me, asked me to invite everyone to apply for the course's org, the NECES "network of electronics and communications engineering students." i thought that if i just commit myself with these people and this organization, i may get myself to work the way i want to. responsible, hardworking, grade conscious. yes, that's what i really want. i'm more competitive than i thought. i got in. Out of i don't know how many that took the test in our batch, only three of us got in, all coming from our section. Renzi on Marketing, Philip on Community Service and Me on Logistics. Geesh, I don't even know what Logistics mean. Am I chickening out? Feathers are stickin out but I pluck them. I'm scared! So damn scared! But I won't let this opportunity pass by without me doing the best that I could to stop letting it "just pass by." Butterflies in my stomach on the thought of it. Chickening out! No no no... This won't happen. Everything'll turn out fine. If they kick me out, they'll kick me out with me fighting. No, they won't kick me out. I won't let that happen right? The fickle Mary won't let that happen. No she won't! *sigh* I need help real bad. Good thing I have friends and family to push me through all this. Why wasn't I raised to be with high self esteem and good in dealing with people? Just because my mother is the exact opposite? I've watched in Discovery channel an experiment about raising mice. Two mothers, one I think is shy and the other the opposite. Their babies were mixed together and brought to be raised by the mothers separately. The real babies of the shy mother who were with the other mother grew to have more self esteem than their blood siblings raised by their real mother who grew to be shy like their mother. The same goes with the other family. The genes play the primary role, what your mother is like, you most likely will be. How you are raised is another. My mom has low self esteem. I'm her blood daughter and she raised me. Thus, I have low self esteem. No wonder! But lets not blame it on her. She didn't want that either. We're both victims of circumstance. There is but another factor. The child itself. Given this pre-made me, I have to work hard on improving my weaknesses. This is what I am doing right now. I'm so trying. It's hard. Very hard! But I'm trying. Slowly? Fast? I'm taking control of my life! I need help! Cause I can't do this alone. I know I'm gonna do it. Help me Lord with this. I'm going to college. I''ll study like I've never studied before. I'll burn my brows if I have to! I'll get really good grades. I'll be active as a staffer. I'll make friends. I'll stop being lazy about studying. I'm making it my top priority from now on. I'll be good. I won't go online if I have other things to do. I'll still tutor. I'll get payed. I'm thinking of finding a job since Pacific Plans aren't paying anymore since they'll close soon. I pity them though. I'll be good. I'll shut my mouth and ears on thing I don't need. I'll be like our DL Julian if I have to. I'll stop being addicted to Billiards and PC. I'll do good. I'll be more healthy. I'll work hard. I'll be good. I'll pray. I'll not be distracted. I'll think straight. I'll be responsible. I'll work hard. I'll be me like you've never known me. I'll do good. I can do this. I must do this. I will do this. Make them proud! It's for my future too right? I got this!!^_^

"Everyday is a happy day!":p

i'm getting weaker

I've been weakened by summer! Yes, this is what i want to think. Look at what's been happening to me... First of all, my head hurts a lot now. When I sit in front of my pc, I can't stay long...no, i can't stay even for a short period of time without my head hurting or my eyes turning red and burning! geeez! what's happening to me?!? too much computer?? probably... okay, it may be so... but what about this one... my forgetfulness is becoming too much to bear this past weeks. i've been forgetting where i put stuff i just held a few seconds ago. i'm getting shocked at things that see or don't see. as if they appear or vanish instantly. i know it's my head but why? what's happening to me? is it because of the summer heat?? i sure hope so... i'm about to try this exercise i read in an article before to improve my memory. at the end of the day, i try to recall all the things that happened to me during the course of the day. slowly, i should recover and picture things more and more, little by little, detail by detail... hopefully soon! maybe this is due to my poor sleeping pattern; sleeping very late at night, waking up very late at lunchtime. maybe it is from taking a bath late at night... but i think that causes anemia... anyway, i'm feeling weak. maybe i do have anemia now. that's why i also try to do some physical stuff every once in a while. but still, this is what i've noticed... a long time ago, i used to wear myself out from playing "basketball" in the garage after about 2 hours! 1 hour at least.. but now, i don't think i even get to 30minutes without sweating too much, needing to sit down and drink. i'm getting weaker and weaker every time. concerning my eyes, they're always stressed! as i've said, i can't use the computer for too long now. that is one reason why i made up a story that i'm in rizal right now. i told a few of my friends, and i am acting as if i'm in rizal where there's no phone signal inside the house, no cable and no phone lines so there's no internet connection... i can't be an addict... another reason would be daniel actually. i wanted a break from him. he hurts me with kats and the thought of maybe falling for him yet he's only making me his 'karir.' something that's just like a play thing. no day passes by without his missed call, then i misscall him back then we text. just some crazy stuff. he used to send me corny messages because i like them so much. he text me a lot but as i've learned, he also text kats a lot too. i know he likes he, there's no denying it. i'm the president of their love team fan's club!! but i think until now, kats has a boyfriend so daniel can't possibly get in between them! i don't know... i guess kats and daniel are spending a lot of time together lately. they may be just friends but since i have this feeling that daniel really really likes kats, there's this something going on in this guy's head that's probably a heaveny feeling... i may be jealous?!? sheeesh i hate this flirtatious side of me that makes her think she's the most beautiful girl in the world! grrrrr to you other side!!! stop this insanity at once!!! i'm getting weaker physically and mentally.. but actually, i'm getting weak spiritually too. i'm reading "purpose driven life" every night yet it doesn't sip into me. i haven't been praying too. i haven't been happy! i wish summer ends quickly. maybe then i'll be back to normal as before. i don't like this feeling. it's dead. i'm not dead. i'm alive. so let me live. because being dead when you're alive sucks real bad!+_+ help me please...='c

"Everyday is a happy day!":p

happy birthday jouse!

it's jose's birthday today! though he's already in the states, it feels as if he's still here. anyway there hasn't been a big difference since before, we haven't been really close. it's his birthday today and i hope he's happy! i'm happy for him. i still admire him. this probably won't change til..never.. if i can't say this to him, i'll just post it here... happy birthday jose! thanks for everything. even if you didn't really do something, i just want to thank you for making me happy. thank you Lord too for making our paths cross somehow, that i'll treasure those moments forever.

today is my first official participation in the parish's basic guitar workshop! last last sunday was the orientation.. it was very informative..great! i've learned a lot.. i was with rainer, dennis and his classmate joseph and i even met a girl named ruby. i even laughed when she told her name, not because she had a bad name or anything but i thought of b-anne who couldn't be here with us because of the stupid summer class. rainer and i looked at each other thinking that! i hope i didn't offend her though. after the class i wen't to UST so i can give b-anne my calculus notes and quizzes then i thought of buying ice cream for them. just because it's jose's birthday. but i guess they don't like ice cream.. how sad for me. b-anne had to go home early cause she has a "date" and pat, of course he has to go with her. how sad for me. but then camille made me a testi today in friendster. it says happy birthday! many many times... hahaha! as if it's my birthday... but you know how i am when it's jose's birthday! i was happy still!^_^

day!":p

realizations of a teenage chuvanes

Kuhaan ng clearance ngayong araw na to. Nagsimula ang araw na 9am na ko nagising... As usual late nanaman ako... Pero si Richard late din naman nagising. E sasamahan ko pa daw sya magconfirm sa deans office ng engineering dahil dun na sha magaaral next year. IT ang kukunin nya. 2nd choice nya lang yun, hindi sha pumasa ng ECE e. ok na daw naman yun! Anyway ayun, nagtext si eisen paalis pa lang daw sha. 9am un a... ako kakagising lang! By 11, asa bahay pa rin ako, hinihintay si Richard... e since isosoli ko pa kay rainer yung guitar nya na kinarir ko kagabi, at dahil andun na rin c eisen e umalis na ko. nakasalubong ko din naman si richard pagbaba ko ng tricycle kaya cool. kaso pagdating ko dun, ala na c eisen. umuwi na daw. ayos noh?! galing pang cavite yun! di man lang ako inanatay... e antagal na naming hindi nagkita, hindi nagtext, hindi nagchat, at higit sa lahat, hindi nagbilyar! yun pa man din ang habol ko! bilyar! haaaay, kaibigan nga naman! si rainer madrama, eto yung kaibigan na laging nagpaparamdam! hindi lang dahil naka24/7 sha... pati sa telepono, pati online... si banne naman yung kaibigan na online din naman. kahit masyadong masikreto e pag kinukulit ko naman, masaya naman ang kwentuhan. tsaka caring din yun e. pg niyayaya namin laging game basta wala shang sakit at pede sha...hehe si eisen naman ewan ko sa kanya... masaya ksama namin. kaso ang pagkamisteryoso nya ndi tulad ng kay banne. there's something in him na hindi ko matarok e. kaya kahit muka kaming masyadong close e hindi pa rin talaga deep ang frendship namin. puro lang kami bilyar, tawa, kaen, tulog... ganyan! di tulad ni liszt na halos lahat ng drama sa buhay ko nadetalye ko na...lalu na kung tungkol sa pagibig. kahit online lang at asa AB pa sha! at kahit ang mismong mga frends nya na classmate ko ay di ko kaclose!:p si senedy, isa rin sa mga napagkkwentuhan ko ng masinsinan dahil nagkakaintindihan kami. kahit hindi kami ganun mashado nakakapagusap dahil magkaiba ang circle of friends namin. si selina, ang so called strawberry ko... kahit pano lagi kong karamay, kakulitan, ka-hug, ka-PDA... hehehe haaaay mga college friends ko miss ko na kayo! ngaung mga panahon na to narerealize ko na na wala ngang pag-asang maging lablayp itong frendship na to! haha! una sa lahat, mashado kong tinetreasure yung friendship namin to the point na i dont want to take that very very big risk of losing it, only because of my selfish reasons. kasi take note, pwedeng mangyari na mailang sha pag nalaman nya, at lumayo sha. pwedeng mangyaring mutual pala yung feelings namin sa isa't isa. pwedeng subukang pumunta sa next level pero isipin mo na lang pag hindi nagwork yun, hinding hindi na mababalik sa dati yung friendship na napundar na namin. narealize ko na ayoko palang mawala sha bilang kaibigan, kahit pa lovelife ang kapalit nun. wag na lang. sa ngayon yun ang sa tingin ko. ayoko talaga! para man sakin, gusto ko na maging kaibigan muna ang magiging love life ko, at inisip ko man na pwedeng maging sha yun, naisip ko rin namang pwede ring iba yon! natatakot lang ako kay eisen e. he's too good to disappear from my life. andrama noh?! sayang at nasa momentum pa man din ako pero full house na kasi e... to be continued...

"Everyday is a happy day!":p