On trying out for new work

It felt so right, finally decided to take the opportunity Cabs was sharing since last year, a Unix admin position in Reed Elsevier, UPA Technohub.

I passed my resume, waited for the call (unable to answer the call most of the time, delay delay delay). Finally took the freaking hard exams: online IQ, online technical, HR interview, panel technical interview. They were so hard yet I passed! I was overwhelmed. My phone even alarmed "new work" on the day of the exams.

Next stop, director's interview. I went back the following week at night to do this. I even took a leave. I passed! Even raised my asking price to the one I wrote this year: 60k/mo. I was ecstatic! I almost cried.

Lastly, the following week, my final interview with the US panel. I was with my parents as it was almost midnight and I came from work. I was excited, I thought this is it. I felt it. I will just have to wait.

4 days passed (dianne got accepted at this point), nothing. I asked Cabs, he said I probably failed if no one called yet. I was disappointed. I was so devastated I cried and hated the world. I hated God at that point for not giving it to me. Another almost a week passed and Cabs said that if I didn't receive an email yet there might still be a chance. Ok, all the crying and rebelling for nothing, just yet. Then it came, I failed. I wonder if I didn't lose hope and faith. Would I have passed? I got nothing to do but stare, kept quiet. Kill myself. Joke! I can't explain the feeling. I'm just so lost again...

By this time IBM called me for a job offer also in Technohub. The offer was very tempting but I declined for various reasons - contract based, no benefits, very few servers, no training, no senior/team. I wanted something like PAL or Reed. I got in an interview with Safeway as well but since I was too fixated with Reed, I didn't take the opportunity to prepare for this. Sad. But then this is in McKinley. The location was awful but the work and pay should've been worth it. The opposite of what IBM had to offer. Sad.

I'm on night shift during these days and I just can't get myself to think positive again after what happened. Is it the shift? s it hormones? Is it biorhythmic cycle? Is it that my optimism was too much that it all drained me entirely of positive energy that I was left so broken, frustrated, depressed, etc? All I know is that O haven't felt so lost in my life that the time before I left CA/condo/Manny.

I think I need to stay put for a while. Stop with the applications. Go out and travel. Go make things and events. Yet it still doesn't feel right to do those things as I'm doing them. This is yet another confusing and frustrating chapter of my life that I need to face and overcome. My urge for a family life is getting higher and it distracts me from focusing on being single and enjoying work and leisure.

Help me. I'm not getting any younger. Let me remember, Lord, how to be at peace once more.