Feelings

Tonight I've been reading my past blogs and it inspired me to write again. I've always wanted to write but somehow, for some reason, I've lost my touch. I realize after joining CA that I need to blog more. Now let's practice through sharing my feelings with two lovers.

Manny and I have been together for almost 4 years now. We're turning four on Feb 24 2011. But then, for the last year or so, I've been struggling with my feelings for him. Last year I almost lost it. I told him how I feel. As if I was his mother. I told him that I don't want to be a mother, or a secretary who will always organize his schedule, always remind him what to do, always have to take care of him. I wanted time apart but he wouldn't let me. He loves me so much I couldn't bear to break his heart. Then it struck me. Years ago I would have said yes in a jiffy if he had asked me to marry him. I was so ready once we are able to afford a house for our own. I wanted babies. The girl will be named Bonnie. =) Now I'm having doubts. Is this really the person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with? Will he be able to take care of my kids when I am sick or out of town? Will he be able to comfort me through the hardships that I will go through? I don't know if I sound selfish. With his work really pressing him down, I am the only one he can lean on. I am the only one who can give him comfort. I'm just a sissy for people who needs care. During our first year, everything was a learning process. Growth was inevitable for the both of us. Now, its as if it stopped. He has also noticed how often I scold at him at how bad he does things. I guess I have my expectations set too high for him. I don't know why, but it wasn't like this before. When we assess our relationship, most of the time he would say, there's nothing he wants me to change, except for the nagging, I was already what he wants me to be. But why don't I feel the same? I feel bad because I know that I don't love him as much as he loves me. I love him. I really do. But somehow, something's lacking. It feels as if I've outgrown him. I can't help it but there are times that I feel restless. I feel limited with him. Sometimes I feel that rather than I want to, I feel obliged to do things. I want more adventure, I want more meaning to life and it feels like he can't give it to me. I hate that I feel this way because Manny is such a great person. He is very special and I always want to make him happy. But would this really be enough to sacrifice my happiness? I have to admit that I regret our start. I regret giving in to temptation. I regret not sticking to a hard NO. I regret moving too fast, causing my growing feelings to be disrupted. Maybe this could be the end of our growth? There was an article I read way back in college about love. It says there that when you find yourself growing with that person every day of your life, then that is true love. Well, for me, sometimes it feels as if I'm not growing with him anymore. I'm growing in the feast, I'm growing in CA. But with him, there's nothing else that's happening. Is it because of routine? Eventhough we have different schedules, it's always ehbehb talk, money talk and nagging. I really do think that we need time apart. I want him to grow by himself. I want him to connect with other people, from his past, present and others. I want him to learn how to be independent. Without me telling him what to do. He's very intelligent. Of all people I should know that. I don't know if his graveyard shift affected his brain already but somehow, maybe expecting too much of him is bad. During our Welcoming in CA last Sunday, Oct 31, he gave a very cheezy and touching speech in front of all the people. He practically shouted to the world how much he loves me. I was crushed. Because everytime these CA people would tell us how lucky we are as a couple, how good we look together, I wanted so bad to tell him how I really feel. I've been delaying telling him this for the longest time now. Earlier because I didn't want to cause pain during his haggard days. Then when he got back from Cebu, I still couldn't tell him because I wouldn't want to ruin his happiness when he's with me. I just couldn't break his heart and I feel so bad about that. I used to pray so much about our relationship. But now my prayer is this: "You know better than I. You know the way. I let go my fears and my doubts for You know better than I." I hope I do know what to do. I hope to tell it to him as soon as possible.

"Everyday is a happy day!":p