Now isn't that fun?!?

It has been a crazy week! So many Dolf-Eisen, Eisen-Jhoanna, Dolf-Jhoanna, Patrick-Jhoanna, Alex-Jhoanna, Selina-Jhoanna, nonsense issues! Rumors emerging everywhere. Different perceptions in every issue. I'm getting tired of this. Right now I'm hating Patrick and he already knows it. I'm getting closer with Eisen and Selina and Alex and Banne because I want to. However, I do feel good with the other things that happened to me this past few days. For one, I got a 97 in my first Integral Calculus exam. Justin scored 100 and got a star on his paper but I'm really overwhelmed with my test result. Knowing that a few failed and a lot scored just over the passing 50/100. Now, that's wonderful! What's more wonderful than that is I got to spend one whole night (starting at 3pm acually when she agreed to join me in my quest to find the right venue for my debut..hehe) with my besfriend last friday at an event in UST called Livre. It was the first major concert at school and it was jam packed with party people. Of course that was most fun. Both of us haven't seen each other since her birthday in Laguna and we were joined by Camille, Mila and the others. Occassionally, I would hang out with my college classmates during the event but still I preferred to stay with Acriza.^_^Now, yesterday was PE and I just can't believe my guy classmates. They left us on air! They didn't want to be my groupmates. Now me and Selina are a pair. Fine with me! It's just that it I was saddened with that. The worst part of this blog comes when I say that Lyndon texted me last night (I was already asleep) stating that he didn't go to school the whole week and he plans on pursuing his long time plan...to die. Now isn't that fun?!? >.<

Cruel? Yeah...

I have to save this conversation to remind me never to make the same mistake I did with this one.

kaozdrone: uhm....
jamyca17: ket po?
kaozdrone: u really dnt like me do you?
jamyca17: no ba yan
jamyca17: i like u as a friend? pde n ba un?
jamyca17: lamu kc kht pa kunyari 10 years ko na crush manligaw sakenngaun ndi ko rn nman ssagutin e
kaozdrone: bye sorry umasa pko
kaozdrone: ingats...
jamyca17: bye din po
jamyca17: sorry din
kaozdrone: ilang beses ko n nasabing magpapakamatay ako
kaozdrone: pero d ko rin nagwa
kaozdrone: pero baka ngyon
kaozdrone: ga2win ko na...
kaozdrone: ingats..
jamyca17: ndi pa rin
kaozdrone: hindi po
kaozdrone: gusto lng kita makita at makasama
kaozdrone: siguro tama n ung nangyaru kahapon
kaozdrone: masaya nko
kaozdrone: nakasama kta
kaozdrone: byebye na...
jamyca17: kunsensya ko nnman yan
kaozdrone: hindi
kaozdrone: hindi mo yan kunsyensya
jamyca17: wla k nman mggwa kc maiicp ko e..hehe
jamyca17: prang i cud hav done something
kaozdrone: sinasabi ko lng ngyon...kasi gusto ko lng sabihin
kaozdrone: e magulang ko nga wala...kaw pa kaya?
jamyca17: cge wala na ko mssabi
jamyca17: byebye
kaozdrone: bye na...lam ko d m rin ako pipigilan...
jamyca17: wla nman ako krapatan
kaozdrone: wala kang pakialam sakin
jamyca17: kaw ang wla saken
kaozdrone: sino nga ba nmn ako sayo?
kaozdrone: 1yr plng tyo naging classmates
kaozdrone: 1 1/2 yrs pala
jamyca17: wala nga nman ako sau
jamyca17: tska tama, 1.5 yrs mxado maiksi
kaozdrone: ikaw ang pnakaimportanteng tao sakin.....
jamyca17: ndi ko mxadong naffeel
kaozdrone: ano pa ba kelangan ko gawin?
kaozdrone: sabihin mo lng po
jamyca17: yaw ko nman pilitin ka
kaozdrone: d mo nmn ako pnapansin e
kaozdrone: feeling ko tnataboy mko
jamyca17: ndi ba kta pnpancn?
jamyca17: sorry kung gnun ung naffeel mo
kaozdrone: opo
kaozdrone: like nung s theater...
kaozdrone: basta!!!!
kaozdrone: ge...d kta mapplit
jamyca17: ngmmadali ka
kaozdrone: to love is to risk not being loved in return nga pala
jamyca17: ung sa theater?
kaozdrone: hindi ako nagmamadali..feel ko kasi d mko bnibgyan ng chance
jamyca17: kala ko nga asa likod kita nung uupo e
jamyca17: a gnun ba
jamyca17: kc sabi ko rin nman auko icpn ung mga gnung bagay
kaozdrone: ok...
jamyca17: senxa na po ndi mo rin nman maiintndhan
kaozdrone: opo...i'm too stupid to understand
jamyca17: ndi mo maiintndhan kc di ko nman cnasabi...hehe
kaozdrone: ok...
kaozdrone: bye..wala n tlga ako pag-asa...e ung crush mo nga ng 10yrs walang pag-asa
kaozdrone: ako pa kaya
kaozdrone: pero mahirap alisin s puso ang nakaukit na
jamyca17: wla nman ako crush ng 10 yrs...sample lng un
jamyca17: hehe
jamyca17: auko lng tlga icpin ngaun
jamyca17: narealize kong mahirap ang calculus
jamyca17: haha
kaozdrone: ano connection?
jamyca17: sorry po tlga
jamyca17: jowk lng un...hehe
jamyca17: sorry
kaozdrone: lahat nmn kyo sorry?
kaozdrone: ok lng yun
kaozdrone: ganito nmn tlga ako e
kaozdrone: jinojoke lng
jamyca17: prang kaw ndi ngssori a
jamyca17: ung jowk kc sana ngppagaan sa lalim ng usapan?
kaozdrone: sorry...
kaozdrone: d ako noypi
kaozdrone: tnatawanan lahat
kaozdrone: ge ge
kaozdrone: sanay nmn akong gan2 e
kaozdrone: la k dpat alalahanin
jamyca17: sanay kang ano?
kaozdrone: walang nagmamahal
kaozdrone: nag-iisa
kaozdrone: ganun
jamyca17: kc gnun mo pnappaniwala ung sarili mo
jamyca17: kaw nman ung gus2 mpagisa e
kaozdrone: hindi..un ung nararamdaman ko!
kaozdrone: gusto ko?
kaozdrone: hindi ko ginusto yun
jamyca17: kht ung mga classmates ntin
jamyca17: cnsabi kaw ung lumalayo
kaozdrone: wala kasi akong tulad sainyo
kaozdrone: wala!
jamyca17: ano un? tulad samin na ano?
kaozdrone: wala akong may tulad na ugali
kaozdrone: wala akong kilala sainyo
kaozdrone: walang nakakakilala sakin
kaozdrone: wala ako d2 s mundo
kaozdrone: alikabok lng ako
kaozdrone: walang pumapansin
kaozdrone: pilit tinataboy
jamyca17: yaw mo nman mkiblend in e
kaozdrone: walang may gusto ng alikabok dba?
jamyca17: feeling mo superior ka saming lahat
kaozdrone: ntry ko n yun
jamyca17: mababang uri lng kme
kaozdrone: feeling ko?
kaozdrone: hindi ko un sinabi
kaozdrone: kayo lng may gusto nun sa sarili nyo
jamyca17: ano??
kaozdrone: mamahalin ba kita kung feeling ko superior ako saiyo?
jamyca17: nlala mo ba ung pinost mo sa group? ung reaction mo sa tag?
kaozdrone: damn
kaozdrone: un nnmn ba???
jamyca17: para kcng kaw ung ayaw mgbelong e
kaozdrone: hindi nga e
kaozdrone: kayo yung tumataboy sakin
kaozdrone: e bakit nmn nakakasalamuha ko sina kat
kaozdrone: si kamil
jamyca17: anong tumataboy??
kaozdrone: si julian
kaozdrone: si neilsen
kaozdrone: kasi kyo...magkakasama kayo nung hs
kaozdrone: ako nag-iisa lng
jamyca17: hindi kaya kami mgkkasama nung hs
jamyca17: iisang bldg man un halos ndi rin kme mgkkakilala lahat
kaozdrone: lam mo ba kung ano nakita ko nung 1st day ko
kaozdrone: may nagsabi nun...uyy...andaming taga hs ah....
kaozdrone: ok to...
kaozdrone: parang wala n yung iba
kaozdrone: tpos...sino ba inaapi nun..si francis?
kaozdrone: porket galing lng ng educ?hindi pay high?
kaozdrone: pay high??
kaozdrone: ano yun?
jamyca17: ndi nman un ung dhilan kng bat sha inaapi e
jamyca17: cla therese nman educ din a
kaozdrone: pnagmamalaki ung pagbayad ng malaking halaga?
kaozdrone: un ang narinig ko
kaozdrone: pasensya na hindi ako nagbayad ng kahit isang sentimo nung hs
kaozdrone: mahirap lang kasi ako
jamyca17: wala nmang gap sa educ at payhigh e
kaozdrone: d pwede makihalubilo s mga mayayayaman
jamyca17: as if nman myyaman lhat ng tao sa rum
kaozdrone: oo
jamyca17: pede
jamyca17: mayaman ba ko?
jamyca17: my mga working scholar din nman
kaozdrone: ahahaha
kaozdrone: as if...
jamyca17: baket?
kaozdrone: wala....
kaozdrone: u just dnt know the feeling of loneliness
jamyca17: lahat nman cguro ng tao naffeel yan
kaozdrone: ahahaha
kaozdrone: for about 60secs?
kaozdrone: 1min?
jamyca17: nkarating na rin nman ako sa point na nagalit ako sa diyos
kaozdrone: ano yun?
kaozdrone: point?
jamyca17: mga 2 years din cguro un
kaozdrone: tlga?
kaozdrone: 2yrs?
kaozdrone: ako since nagkamalay ako
kaozdrone: galit ako s Diyos
jamyca17: hnggat di nwwla galit mo dun mgging miserable k tlga
kaozdrone: ahahaha
kaozdrone: walang Diyos
kaozdrone: tao lang gumawa sakanya
kaozdrone: para magkaroon ng kapayapaan
kaozdrone: pero d nya naisip
kaozdrone: na meron ding nakaisip na nun
jamyca17: ako i dont care bsta comfortable ako dun sa god na un
kaozdrone: kaya wala pa ring kapayapaan
kaozdrone: lam mo yang Diyos na yan...have taken everything that i worked so hard to have
jamyca17: npancn mo bang ndi tau ngkkasundo?
jamyca17: hehe...debate
kaozdrone: sorry...
kaozdrone: bobo tlga ako
jamyca17: bat sorry nnman?
kaozdrone: sorry
jamyca17: baket nnman?
kaozdrone: dahil...mahal tlga kita!!!!!!!!!11
kaozdrone: bakit lahat ng mahal ko d ako mahal?????
jamyca17: nsabi ko n nman saung mahal kita dba?
jamyca17: yaw mu nman ng gnun
kaozdrone: mahal mko?
kaozdrone: kaibigan n d mo nmn pnapansin
kaozdrone: lam mo...ung oras na tyo lng 2 nakaupo dun s arcade
kaozdrone: pinakamasayang oras ko un
kaozdrone: kahit tulog ka
kaozdrone: bakit?
kaozdrone: sabi mo sakin...
kaozdrone: wag kita iiwan.....
kaozdrone: sana panghabang buhay ung ibig mo sabihin nun
kaozdrone: pero ok lng
kaozdrone: masaya ako
kaozdrone: dahil s sandaling un
kaozdrone: mapoprotektahan kita
kaozdrone: kenailangan mko
kaozdrone: salamat
jamyca17: wla nnman ako msabi
kaozdrone: ge...
jamyca17: alis na nga ko
kaozdrone: baka masarahan ako ng dorm
kaozdrone: txt2 nlng
jamyca17: bye
jamyca17: gudnyt
kaozdrone: ingat po parati
kaozdrone: d2 lng ako parati
kaozdrone: kung mamatay man ako
kaozdrone: i'll look over youkaozdrone: from above
kaozdrone: or under you
kaozdrone: from below
kaozdrone: or beside u...if i insist to live here on earth
kaozdrone: even if you love somebody else
kaozdrone: i'm always here
kaozdrone: watching over you..
kaozdrone: even though it hurts
kaozdrone: .......
kaozdrone: bye
kaozdrone: :x
kaozdrone: txt2 nlng
kaozdrone: kung meron ako load

Class One

Today, classes officially started. It was a good thing that my 7 am class did not come because I would have been late...again! haha! Imagine, first day of classes and I came in with my hair still wet! With all my subjects today, the only one that did not meet us was the professor for Calculus, although we now know who's going to be. So far, they are all "terror" professors you don't wanna mess with (except for Computer...she was the same as last sem and it's probably a good news for me?). Anyway, I've learned that 2 classmates from last year transferred to an afternoon section, Lyndon (who would have known? hehe..), and Benjie. Now, we're down to 37! Oh, we have this very irritationg professor in Filipino, Filipino yet she was speaking in English althroughout. She's like 80 something, yes, full of wisdom, yet so boastful of her "gray matter"! Whew! Enough of that... Last night, Acriza gave me the task to deliver her invitations for her party to the UST people. Whew! Haha! I should have been an owl today! But that would be too embarassing..haha! It was Hogwarts style!;) I haven't opened mine yet, though. I completed my mission. I gave all but one (Royanne) but she's not even coming so it's okay if I give it tomorrow. Hmmm... Stop here... Not to Lyndon... hehe... We had a "fight" yesterday morning before I went to bed and we haven't talked since then. It was about his enrollment and I just got pissed off by his constant cursing so I had to "walk out." Many of my classmates told me he enrolled for an afternoon class yesterday I think. Well it doesn't matter to me anymore. At this moment, I abhor him.^_^ This is all for my class one in this 4th semester of my engineering life!

"Ultimate" Poetry

Words
What am I to say? These are just words.In truth they hold no meaning.You just hear them, see them, after all.But words were meant to be more than that.Words were meant to be felt.They were meant to touch; to healNever to hurt or to cause down anyone.They were made to soothe; to easeNever were they made sharp or poisonous.They were meant to be shared;Share bare and without deceit.They were made to calm; to singThey were meant to describe and define;this glorious world of utter beauty.They were meant not to made in contempt;they were meant to bring justice, and joy.But these are just words;And words may have many meanings,but to those who truly hear means only one;You. And me.


Senses
Do you hear it?Its endless creaks; relentless voice.Of silent cruelty it reeks.A silent voice; infernal noise.Hidden from one's eyes,Though obvious from one's sight.Disdain and mockery for all that is not.Can you see it?Its mindless drones; grotesque protestOf anything not itself.A parable of dead living;Stains of fearful blood,Forced upon those who dared contra its words;Its hideous form; listen to it.Hear its shameful heart beating and pulsing.See it die yet living; Its infinitesimal cry for help; see it.Its tearless tears; can you hear it?For neither seeing or hearing does saveThe human heart from its inhumanity.

He's out of my life...

Just change the gender of the third person from a she to a he... hehe I still haven't wrote about my what I call "ultimate crush" since 3rd year highschool...jowhs! ehehe a.k.a. jose florencio del rosario gonzales. I don't intend to talk about him right now... This is just a kind of introduction or a sneak preview (preferably) of him. I'll just say that a few weeks ago, actually the exact date being September 27, 2004, around 6:45 pm, I got a phonecall from Camille (one of my closest friends since 3rd year highschool, ang Jose and my classmate then) telling me that a close connection with Jowhs told her the day before (at Kate's debut) that he had gone to the US earlier that semester. They don't know when, why and how?! They said that Jowhs suddenly never showed up in their classes and already got an FA (failure due to absences) in every subjects he ever had that time and they never realized what happened to him until his college buddies got word from him (don't know how) that he's already in the states (don't know where exactly). It came to me as a shock... but it came to me later that night when I was in bed and praying, and my thought wondering... When I was on the phone, I wasn't really into what I heard from Camille... I guess I was hmmm... not hearing it? hehe.. I don't wanna hear it really. I even got to laugh at it! No tears whatsoever! But that night, when it came to me that I may never be able to see him again, when I thought of how I never got to tell him how he really meant to me and how special he really was....is........thoughts just flourished through me, emotions enhanced pictures in my head...pictures from my memories, move clips in my mind....flowing timelessly, fast and dramatic.... oh so missed, so full and so beautiful... detailed carefully as if still shots from reality but dreamt...only dreamt that night. coming alive yet still a dream... this is reality my friends... he's gone.... tears had fallen.... but just once.... that one time is enough! And I do not intend to repeat it for him... I'll have to stop now or else I wouldn't anymore...hehe Here's a song for him....

"She's Out Of My Life"

by Josh Groban

[1st Verse]

She's out of my life

She's out of my life

And I don't know whether to laugh or cry

I don't know whether to live or die

And it cuts like a knife

She's out of my life

[2nd Verse]

It's out of my hands

It's out of my hands

To think for two years she was here

And I took her for granted I was so cavalier

Now the way that It stands

She's out of my hands

[Bridge]

So I've learned that love's Not Possession

And I've learned that love won't wait

Now I've learned that love needs expression

But I learned too late

[3rd Verse]

She's out of my life

She's out of my life

Damned Indecision and cursed pride

Kept my love for her locked deep Inside

And it cuts like a knife

She's out of my life

Thank You Lord

My last song syndrome..haha for how many days now... I just like this song.

Wag Na Wag Mong Sasabihin
by Kitchie Nadal

May gusto ka bang sabihin
Ba't 'di mapakali
Ni hindi makatingin
Sana'y 'wag mo na itong palipasin
At subukang lutasin
Sa mga sinabi mo na
Iba'ng nararapat sa akin
Na tunay kong mamahalin
Oh....
huwag na huwag mong sasabihin
Na di mo nadama itong
Pag-ibig kong handang
Ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo
Ano man ang iyong akala
Na ako'y isang bituin
Na walang sasambahin
'Di ko man ito ipakita
Abot-langit ang daing
Sana'y nga sinabi mo na
Iba'ng nararapat sa akin
Na tunay kong mamahalin
Oh....
huwag na huwag mong sasabihin
Na di mo nadama itong
Pag-ibig kong handang
Ibigay kahit pa kalayaan mo
At sa gabi, sinong duduyan sa 'yo
At sa umaga, ang hangin ang hahaplos sa 'yo...

I have done the impossible! haha kidding... Yesterday evening I received a very heartwarming text from Lyndon. He said that I changed him and that I don't know how I mean to him..blah blah blah.. I was so relieved to know that he gave up on trying to commit suicide. I don't know if I struck him that much but I certainly hope so. He marked the date November 2 to to be his last day. Well, today, I mean 1 and a half hours ago, was the end of Novermber 2. He hasn't texted me since yesterdey evening but I don't feel bothered at all! Well, maybe just a little.. hehe But I've been praying night after night for him to get well...spiritually, mentally, emotionally... I'm really proud of him. He's trying so hard. ^_^ I am too... I'm trying my hardest to keep myself intact for him...to hold on to. If I give up on him, I know something bad might happen to him. I could probably be his last chance for salvation. Whew! But in this new experience with him, he taught me a valuable lesson. He made me realize how precious life is; how important the people around me are; how much I care for those people and how i wouldn't wanna loose them in any particular way. I've learned that I could make a difference. He has taught me how to value and how to love. He has made me a better person and I'm thankful for that. He told me his secrets... I thinks it was way back two days ago...hehe It was shocking ("sex maniac" dunno what to believe anymore..hehe sometimes it crosses my mind that he might only be playing a trick on me...oh well, that's what you get when you get sometimes......) yet I need to stay unaffected by that...to be able to give him a "me" to depend on..:p oh I've been writing/typing too long now..hehe I'll finish it now with Thank You Lord!!