"I'm at a point in my life where I feel that I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing. I'm stuck. It just struck me a few days ago. Where am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? I thought I figured it out with CA and all but these days I feel so clueless. Its like weirdy feeling multiplied by 100 and now I can't move forward. I admit I was wrong to push you into doing things that I want: the condo, CA and NuSkin, nagging. I have become a freak. I used to have the best adventures. Somehow I became stiff and serious and I spend too much of my time and effort into building my own future, not realizing earlier that my relationships have been suffering. Before, when all I do is say YES to CA, I had this belief that its okay to sacrifice your family and time and effort for a while until such time that I become financially free and I can give everything to my loved ones. Now, seeing CA in a different angle, seeing how young it is and how slightly incompetent I feel our mentors are, how more and more failures come my way, the mechanism my body developed to face these negativities suddenly kicked off. I just lost motivation on everything. My life just lost color and I just want to stop and breathe for a while. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to quit. I love to teach, I feel fullfilled when I convene the wealth course and the dojos. Somehow, this May, when I became out of commitment days, it's when I started to feel down. Not convening makes me sad and lonely doing the business. My excitement is in teaching with CA. Somehow right now it is sleeping. Today I need RIGOR. Somehow, talking with other new coaches, I began to see that focusing on NuSkin (demo/pq) is rightfully enough to start with, to maintain execship. Just like what we're kinda doing now. Somehow it formed a certain distrust to my uplines for not seeing it somehow during the past months that I wanted to focus on that. Frustration set in somehow and that made me unproductive. Another thing that bothers me with CA/business is that it's changing too much. We're not sticking long enough to do one thing to make it work. Yes, it is good to innovate and if you don't innovate you're dead. But what the heck, every week there's something new and we don't get everything done! On the other side of things, these past few weeks that I'm spending more quality time with my family makes me happy somehow. These past few weeks where I don't pressure myself into doing the business, making things overly significant is i don't know really. I don't know if it's good or bad because somehow, I'm becoming too lax with the business. I don't know if I just burnt down or what. I just don't know. In the extreme ends of positive and negative, I used to be in the extreme end of the positive, doing whatever it takes. But right now, I believe I'm not yet in the right balance. I believe im in the extreme end of the negative. I'm lax, unsure and confused about where I'm standing with the community.With regards to clarity, I realize that I have to recreate my future goals. Bo Sanchez said in his book that dreams change. Somehow I believe mine just did. I want to create a new future plan for myself. One thing's for sure, I do want to be a teacher. I want to be a teacher. So far this is what I've come up with (plans without CA). We let go of the condo. By Feb 2012 I can treat my family to a trip abroad, all expense paid by me. By summer or late 2012 I will resign from PAL. If by this time my business is doing great already, if I'm Ruby by this time, I will take up Education in school. I believe I can finish this in just one semester, I'm just not quite sure. After which I will live my dream of becoming a teacher. An elementary or high school teacher. Hopefully by March or September Success Seminar I will have become a Ruby Exec. You, Acriza, Rose, Mimi, Rose Ann as execs maybe. (Parang ayoko na si Carlos eno. Hehe).
With regards to our relationship all I can say is what Lily said in How I Met Your Mother season 1.
"There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to really know it is a mistake is to make that mistake and look back and say, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go your whole life not really knowing if something is a mistake or not."
I don't want to wait on the day you propose for me to say "No, I'm not ready yet." My what ifs will forever be what ifs until I do make those mistakes. I'm sorry if I feel unsure about you, the exact opposite of how you feel about me. But as you said when we were starting out, you were scared that I'd want to explore more. Somehow I guess the time has come for me to explore. I've read in a book once that the first time will always be the time to make mistakes. In love, the first relationships are the times you make all the mistakes, to hone you to become the perfect person when the right one comes along. I'm not sure if you are the right one or not. But I do believe that for a first time, I did make all the mistakes that I did with you. And I don't regret any of them. Love is sweeter the second time around as they say. And if I make this mistake and say "Yup, that was a mistake" I hope I can still make things right. If this however, turns out to be the opposite, I do hope that things will still stay positive between us. Life is full of surprises, let's fill it with our own adventure. It's really hard to explain but I do hope you understand that this is what I have to do at the moment. I don't know why and I would never want this to happen to us but i feel that I need to do this. We've become the best of friends and I do hope it won't change. I love you."
Friday, May 27, the first time I said "I want to break up for the nth time" at my favorite fish place, before we watched Kung Fu Panda 2.
Saturday, May 28, I asked, "Naalala mo ba yung sinabi ko kahapon?" He said, "Palagi mo na lang sinasabi e, bahala ka kung anong gusto mo."
Sunday, May 29 evening... or May 30 morning, I made him read the letter above
Monday, May 30 morning... at Manny's house, after eating siu mai soup, it happened. I cried for more than an hour.
Things that I'll never forget this day:
-He was ready. He knew it was coming. He was so mature. He handled it well.
-"I will still be your ehbehb. When the time comes na narealize mo na hindi ako para sayo, dun na siguro ako iiyak ng sobra" -Manny
-"How do you know kung "the one" na?" -Jhoa
"Hindi ko alam. Basta ang alam ko, nakikita ko sayo lahat ng katangian na gusto ko, pati yung mga traits na gusto ko sa nanay ng magiging anak natin." -Manny
-"You're perfect. Bakit ako ganito? Bakit ikaw hindi? Bakit hindi na lang ako kagaya mo? Sana perfect na lang. Sana hindi ko na kailangan neto."-Jhoa
-"Yan ang gusto mo e. Kung magiging maganda naman at makakatulong satin sige ok lang." (paraphrased) -Manny
-"Napagod talaga ang ehbehb."
-"Do you realize na posibleng hindi na maging tayo ule?" -Jhoa
-"Yes." -Manny
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"Everyday is a happy day!":p
