MGQ: I'm Guilty

Dear Manny, I'M WRITING THIS LETTER NOT TO CONFUSE YOU, NOT TO HURT YOU, NOT TO TRY TO GET YOU BACK. IT MAY SOUND SELFISH BUT I JUST NEED TO LET OUT MY STRUGGLES. HERE GOES. I THOUGHT I'VE MOVED ON ALREADY BUT I HAVEN'T. I GUESS THERE'S REALLY NO SHORTCUT TO BREAKUPS. NO EASY WAY, NO PERFECT SEPARATION. AND I'M ALSO GOING THROUGH THAT LONG HARD PROCESS. I GUESS AFTER HURTING YOU MORE, NUNG NAGING PAASA LANG AKO WITHIN THE LAST FEW MONTHS, PROBABLY AFTER READING THE BOOK NA RIN, I JUST FELT SO MUCH GUILT IT'S BEEN HARD FOR ME TO CONTAIN IT. BEEN CRYING MORE OFTEN LATELY. I JUST COULDN'T FORGIVE MYSELF..

Nawalan ng net so I took the time to write it down on a piece of paper.
I met up with Manny last May 3 at Centris and ate ate Uncle Cheffys. We had a really good talk and closure. I also showed him my letter.

    I'm writing to you this letter not to confuse you, not to hurt you, not to try to get back to you. I don't know what this will do to you but I just had to open up to you. You can throw this away after reading it. I'm doing this for me so please bear with me.

    I thought I've moved on already but I haven't. I'm stuck. I know I can't go back yet I still can't move on. Maybe you feel the same way. I guess there's no such thing as a "good breakup." Tama ka, the better the separation, the harder it is. Walang easy way, walang shortcut, pagdadaanan mo talaga ang mahabang proseso. And for me, the relationship we had was too perfect and it was long, para kalimutan na lang basta. What's ultimately stopping me from moving on is the guilt. I still can't forgive myself from ruining your life. Naiinis pa rin ako sa sarili ko kasi hindi kayang pagkasunduan ng buong pagkatao ko ang desisyon tungkol sa bagay na to. Logically, masaya na dapat ako kasi wala na kong dapat hanapin sa qualities mo. Safe at secure na ako most specially sa love at loyalty mo sakin. Pero ang pagiging masaya ay hindi logical. Bilang taong mind over heart, nahihirapan akong isantabi ang sinasabi ng utak ko at pakinggang lang ang heart (or guts) ko. My instincts are telling me to move on. My path diverged talaga. Napakapasaway nya, ang sarap nyang pagalitan. Pero sabi nga, if it's about the matters of the heart, let your heart decide, not your head. I tried to go back, Manny, alam mo yun. I tried hard but I just can't force myself to consistently be that person for you. Last Feb, I did things that I probably shouldn't have done. That time, the letter, the gift, the texts... I thought I realized that I wanted you back. Yun pala, hindi ko kayang panindigan. Siguro nadala lang ako ng emosyon ko. It was the first time after 5 years na nawalan ng meaning ang Feb 14 at Feb 24 sa kalendaryo ko. Sa tagal na rin ng pagninilaynilay ko, kahit pano, nafigure out ko na rin na kaya ako nahihirapan, dahil I'm still living in the past. Nung binabasa ko yung mga email conversations natin, pati iyung sinend ni Futureme.org nung Feb24, hindi ko maiwasang manghinayang. It was perfect. Anong nangyari? Bat kelangan humantong sa ganito? You know me Manny, most of the time gusto ko hanapin ang positive sa bawat sakuna. And I try to accept my failures and see them as opportunities for growth. But this is by far the biggest challenge I've faced. Tao lang din ako and I still get weak. I get confused. I try to be strong and positive pero minsan bumibigay din talaga ko. Bilang perfectionist, at dahil ayaw kong makasakit, lalo akong nakakasakit, a lalo akong nagiging too hard on myself. Sabi sa FEAST, before healing can take place, dapat patawarin ko muna yung sarili ko. Nakakatawa, kasi I kept telling you before na masyado kang nagseself pity, pero look at me now. Hindi ko pa magawang mapatawad ang sarili ko. Maybe that's the reason why I'm writing to you this letter. manny, I want to ask for your forgiveness. Alam ko twing naguusap tayo lagi na lang akong nagsosorry. Feeling ko nga nawala na yung essence nya sa pandinig mo kasi lagi ko na lang sinasabi. Feeling ko rin, na kapag nakita na kitang masaya, at may bago nang pagibig, gagaan na yung pakiramdam ko at hindi na ko magguilty. Pero sa ngayon, ang pakiramdam ko, gagaan lang yung pakiramdam ko pag napatawad mo na ko. There's no valid explanation to me hurting you. Love died on me. It's my fault. Kung gusto mong gumanti sakin, siguro makakaganti ka by not forgiving me. But I do hope that you find it in your heart na mapatawad ako. I will always be thankful for our past but I shouldn't let myself be haunted by it forever. I also have the present to live on. Sa ngayon siguro hahayaan ko na lang muna mafeel ang guilt, ang panghihinayang, ang mga katangahan at pagkakamali ko in the past, hanggang sa matanggap ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako perpekto. Hanggang sa panahong maidrawing ko yung linya between the past and the present. Hihintayin ko na mapatawad mo ko. Someday. Mapapatawad ko rin yung sarili ko. I know, healing will take place. Mahirap, sobra, pero kaya yan! In God's time. I will be patient.