Revitalization

Since my last post, a lot have happened. June 8, 2005, the first time I cried because of a friend. This is what Senedy told me that night that made me let it all out: galit daw sha pati yung mom nya sayo dahil akala nila siguro may special connection kayo ni pat
I felt that I was treated so unjustly. B-anne holding back on her emotions for me; B-anne even considering that I would do such a thing. Sumasama talaga yung loob ko everytime I hear stuff from Pat and Senedy. That night on YM, I felt the urge to tell Eisen what was going on between me and B-anne. The next day, I told Rainer about it too. (I think he even thought I was going to tell him something good. Like what? Me and Eisen together? ha! I think that's what he thought!) Still, I wanted to talk to B-anne about all of these hearsays. I want to...cause we still haven't talked about it til now. There has really been tension between us. It's getting worse. Earlier this week, in an occassion where there was a chance to at least mention it, B-anne told me that she had read my e-mail, told me that she was not mad and she's planning to reply to that mail. Until now there's none. She even said Rainer was making "parinig" na about the bag and her being always somewhere not with us. Rainer didn't know about the issue back then. These past few days, we're becoming closer to normal in terms of communication. We laugh and talk pretty much spontaneous now, without bias, without pretense. At least that's what I'm feeling. I'm hoping that we're gonna be okay soon. I'm still waiting for the chance to clear things up with her.

Aside from that issue, is Eisen's. We're spending so much time together. Since I like him, it's been very heavenly feel for me, yet it also gives me this bad feeling. We're friends. I shouldn't be expecting more. I'm not expecting more. But when you feel good, you want it to last. I don't know if this may be it but I think I'm falling for him. When I told him about my conflict with B-anne, I was awestrucked on how he responded to everything that I say. It's as if a brain was cut in half, one part became mine and the other his. We think alike. Even his manner of giving advice and stuff. His way of respecting my decisions. The very reason why I chose to tell him first before Rainer. I know he will respect whatever decision I will have regarding the matter. That no one makes a move until I have spoken to her. Eisen is so so much a gentleman when it's just him and me together. I don't want to assume anything. He told me before that even during his highschool days, maybe even elementary too, he was used to being friends with a group of people with girls and boys. How he treats me may just well be as how he treats every one of his girl friends. It's just that there's not a very many number of guys that I have been really become very close to. I'm not used to him or any guy for that matter, to make me feel "special" yet being just a friend. Suitors tend to make you feel special because they are suitors. Friends, however, makes you feel special in ways other than Eisen is making me feel, though he does it to me probably unintentionally. Sometimes I hate it when he does those things. A very cruel oxymoron that makes me want and don't want him to be around. I do want him to be around. I never said I want more. It's a really nice idea but I am contented with what I have now with him. Our friendship means a lot to me. And I'm too afraid to risk it all just to have a shot at love. It's a gigantic gamble on love. I don't want to do anything that could threaten what we have now. I won't like it more if I tell him and he walks away than not give him any idea at all at how I feel just so that there's a guarantee that he'll be with me forever. I know it sounds selfish. But I am really scared to lose him. Of course there is a possibility that the feelings could be mutual, but I'm not counting on it because of what I call "control." I want control. I have control over myself. I believe in the balance. If I get too happy, eventually something really bad will happen. I want smooth sailing. I want it steady. I like it this way. I'm contented with this situation. Happy and at peace. Hurting for awhile but still very much happy and at peace. "anything for a fwend" that's what he says.

Busyness is rampant nowadays. Haha! For weeks now, I've been coming home late, not being able to watch Naruto a lot of times now. I tutor, have I told you that? Every friday, I'm at Camille's mom's clinic, tutoring Highschool Math1 and 2 for her siblings. That's around 2 hrs a day. From 4pm. That's why during the long day's break, I either go to the library to study or catch up with my high school friends. Mila and Oyang have been a bit and very dramatic lately. I stress too when i empathize. I meet with Senedy and even sat in with her Circuits class without her professor noticing it. Ha! I meet any friends who are available. I've met with the adiks of mIRC Undernet #ust one time. That was the day after I cried I think. I even found a new place in P. Noval. It was called 1611 cafe and I drank like half a bottle of Red Horse there before Camille could take me away from it. Hehe.. I remember the perfume incident later that day. I've met with Anna, Christine, Acriza, Eunice and JJ, random people! I'm making myself busy on everything. All except NECES that is. Aside from Camille's siblings, I still tutor Thea. Her Math is now 10 times harder that before since she's now in the Math Enrichment Class thanks to yours truly. Hehe! Normally, my schedule with her is 6:30-7:30pm Tuesdays and Thursdays or Fridays. On other days, I try to study or sleep or watch TV or hang out with friends. Sometimes, I play billiards with you know who. Not that topic again... hehehe! This week is known as "hell week" because of the four major quizzes in three days that happened and ended today. I slept thermodynamics. I know i'm gonna fail that one. At least I didn't study! Ha! I slept statistics but I woke up really really early that day! (there's a miracle!) I think I may have a chance in passing and failing that one. hehe! Also that day, I took the ECE online exam... 28/30 is pretty good. Today, it was suppose to be ECE and differential equations but the DE prof was late and he had to postpone the quiz on another date. It was just disappointing. I studied really hard for that last night. I slept for 2 hours. I woke up real early and he doesn't show up! At least I like his reason for being late. He loves his family. He looks and acts similar to Jose. hehe! It's cool... ECE exam was okay, though I forgot to leave my stupidity in my bag when I took it. I could get a better grade! Anyway, with all the stressful homeworks, projects, quizzes, group studies and everything distressful about the week, here's a story that made everything bad go away.

Remember, on my 18th birthday, Acriza's gift is the harry potter book 6 but that time it wasn't out yet. Now is the day! Yesterday I sent her an sms asking how we'd meet today. She didn't reply. The whole day today I was waiting for her text. I was beginning to think that she's not gonna give it to me today. Okay, that's fine, I don't have a say on this cause it's her gift to me. When I got home today from a birthday party, I was in front of the TV resting, Mama called me, I heard Acriza's voice and then I knew! I was hurrying down the stairs, there I saw her, with a book wrapped in a white and purple wrapper with a green ribbon. With a card on it! It says... ah wait I still have to get it...nevermind... hehe! Anyway, I was SO touched! My bestfriend, she surprized me! I was so thrilled! If she were a guy I'd she'd be my boyfriend! haha! Wow! That's all I've been saying... I was too tired to laugh, to jump, to shout, to be excited! I just said Wow and smiled... A bit talk and she was off... She really just went out of her way to deliver it to me, this very day. That book is now the most special book that I'll treasure forever. Thanks my friend! Awesome!=p

This last paragraph is for the Lord. I went to the chapel yesterday and told Him that I want Him to come into my heart. I asked Him to be with me in my studies for the next day's quizzes. I asked Him to wake me up that night and He did. He's always there for me. I love Him. Now He's back!^_^ I'm so sorry Lord for doubting You. I love you!

"Everyday is a happy day!":p