feeling nice^_^

i was going to write an entry yesterday when i was feeling so bad about what's happening in my social life but i decided not to. i got light headed all of a sudden... probably because of my cold and the long time online. here goes my story...

when i told you the last time that i have something to write here about patrick and banne, at that time, it was only about banne. the date was may 1. patrick was on a drama mode about his relationship with banne. of course, he tells me almost everything that happens between them. he shares his feelings to me and senedy every now and then. almost everyday recently! i take that... he's my friend. although banne doesn't tell me anything that's going on between them, patrick does all the time! i don't know why but he seems comfortable in sharing his insights and feelings with me.

*banne uncomfortable with me talking too much with patrick, painful for me not knowing how she feels about that. me knowing too much, me close with patrick. i hate it that she doesn't tell me what she feels. i hate it that she won't try to talk to me and say what she has to say. i don't like her keeping this kind of stuff from me. if she doesn't like what i'm doing, she's suppose to tell me. that's how friendship should work.
*another pain - after daniel... here comes patrick! i know he truly loves banne and he just uses me as a substitute for banne. stuff like that. and it just broke my heart again when he woos me then yesterday, all of a sudden, he bursted out the ultimate "i love banne but so and so" drama. she loves him too. i just hate it when people treat me 'fake, don't treat me right, treat me as a substitute blablabla... lyndon, could it be u? are you the one? haha! i think he's the only one who's really into me... what the heck?! he started the banne-jhoa trend! sheesh things like this makes me hate the words "love" and "boys" together now.

today, i went with tita ollie and rose anne to the house of his "ex" in pag-asa. it was a filthy place but well, a bunch of guys live there. what do i expect? he's a player. even asked me out on a date. yah he may be rich and good looking but the hell with him. he's got charms but i ain't fallin for that kind of guy. anyway, i realize how lucky i am to become this. to become who i am. because of ollie, i felt the Lord's presence working in me when i got home. i was thinking of becoming a bad person yesterday. a bad woman who feels nothing and takes pleasure in the pain of others, preferably men. i wanted to do what, lets say, ollie does to her boys psychologically, emotionally... not physically, particularly sex. i tried chatting with foreigner who i might manipulate. you know those men. they talk shit. stuff to make you "feel" pretty. lies to woo you and make you theirs. oh, i went off track... hehe going back to what i'm pointing out... if i make a mess out of my life, if i shut my heart out for anyone, how can i be of any help with my friends. how can i encourage tita ollie to bury her past six feet under and take the new, bit rocky, more plain yet can be highly decorative and sophisticated road lain next to her. just one step girl! ? right? how can i help patrick with his banne problems? how can i do what i love mostly doing? helping my friends whenever i can with all the care, love and wisdom i can give them. with all the support. though a lot have hurt me this past summer (and years of my life!) i still feel so lucky. so thankful that everytime i get lost, God sends his angels down to guide me back the right track. yesterday was so different. yesterday was black. so were many days before that. black, gray... but rarely clear... i abandoned him once again, yet he reached out to me again. he made me see again. no, i know the difference between right and wrong, good and bad. (the most basic of it) i know what i shouldn't do and i chose to do wrong all the same. but before i can even start doing it, i was held back. by my realizations. a trip with tita ollie and an e-mail that was sent to me months ago that i was able to read only now, made all the difference in the world. my world. help me stay in track Lord. thank you!^_^

"Everyday is a happy day!":p