Cry of Cornelius

“Eh ano bang pakialam mo? Hindi mo ko naiintindihan, walang nakakaintindi sa akin, kaya pwde ba? Wag ka nang makialam!” these words kept echoing inside my head. Ok lang yun at least they can’t hurt other people. Mahirap na, baka mapaaway pa. Anong akala mo sa akin? Walang problema? Siguro dahil lagi ako masaya, hindi nyo lang alam, I’m dying inside, why? Because nobody understands me. I have nobody to share my dreams, somebody who would listem to me. Kaya ako lagi naka-earphones at todo ang volume. I think they call it “Hiding behind the music.” Gusto ko laging maingay para kahit papaano, hindi ko naiisip ang problema.

When I was a child, —Ehem— I wanted to become a missionary. I was an avid reader of Kerygma, so this magazine inspired me to help other people. But things change and so does people. There was a point in my life that I suddenly felt lonely. A turning point where I thought “nobody helps me anyway, so bakit ko sila tutulungan? Sino ba sila?” There were the darkest events in my life. I cared for no one but me. Siyempre, minahal ko lahat ng naging girlfriends ko. Pero sa tingin ko walang nakaintindi sa akin kahit isa sa kanila. Akala ko iniwan ako ni God. Hindi pala, iniwan ko pala siya.

Nawawala ako. Nagaaral ako pero hindi ko alam kung para saan. Nabubuhay ako pero hindi ko alam para kanino. I was going around in circles and approaching nowhere. Then a thought came to me. I think there’s something more to life. I feel like I’m alone, teka sandali, talaga pa lang nagiisa ako, hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi pa ako nasanay. God, I’m here, can’t you see me?

March 12, 2005 --- lasing na naman ako. I think it’s already a habit. Para sa akin, masarap malasing. It’s like touching the clouds while soaring the sky. But the higher you become, the harder you fall. Panandalian lang ang epekto ng alcohol. Kinabukasan sumakit lang ang ulo ko, at sinumpong pa ako ng allergy. I thought I found my God in my intoxication, but I found another God, a false God. This is not my God. My God will never do anything to hurt me. But still, I can’t find Him.


Maybe someday I will find Him. Maybe I won’t but I do hope I will. Exams week na, mukhang babagsak ako sa physics. Who would believe if I told them that I prayed? I can’t even believe it myself. You think that’s unbelievable? Wait ‘til you here this, I prayed for someone and everybody else for them to pass and not for myself. Why? Kasi, masyado naming makapal ang mukha ko kung pato sarili ko ipagdasal ko pang pumasa, kaya ipinagdasal ko nalang mga kakilala ko. Korni di ba? Pero totoo yun.

They say God is ever forgiving. I hope he forgives me and take me back, because I’m willing to take Him.