Unwanted Secret: An Update

It's already my last sembreak... This is already my last year in college... It's been a long long journey that's about to take a turn in a few months' time... However, this post is not about college, nor about my future. This is an update on my unwanted secret. It's sembreak, as I have mentioned. With the ample time I have, I thought of browsing my private journal and then I saw the blog I posted on December 31, 2004. I read it. Surprisingly enough, I felt as if I didn't write it at all. The feeling I had when it happened... The feeling I had when I wrote it... The trauma, the goosebumps, the sad sad memories... All gone... Maybe because at this time, I have finally learned to forgive fully, to accept, to learn, to move on... I remember I made a list of things about my 18th birthday but I wasn't really able to expound on them one by one. One item on the list is Enteng aka he-who-must-not-be-named in my Unwanted Secret post. This is what I want to write about him.

A few days before my 18th birthday, people at home wondered why I didn't invite Enteng. Truly, I still wasn't ready to meet him face to face. I wanted my birthday to be special. A day I will never forget because I wanted that day to be one of the happiest days of my life. Little did I thought that this day would be memorable because of him. Days before my birthday, they were urging me to invite him. He's my cousin after all. We shared our childhood. What's wrong? They asked... And this was the only day that I told my mother about my secret... I told her the reason why I don't want him on my birthday. She didn't say anything. She didn't even show an inch of emotion. Pity? Concern? Nothing. Still, my tita's were telling me to invite him, but i didn't budge. On my birthday, Tita Vikay, Enteng's mom talked to me. She said that he really really wants to attend my birthday. He wants to be a part of it. She told me that he wrote me a letter but I wasn't able to read it until I got home. I have nothing to say. I don't know if she knew. I can't be sure. A while later, she gave me a phone. Enteng was on the other end. Yes, he wanted to come. He said he was sorry. I apologized to him because I really didn't want him there. Sorry. That was what's I've been waiting for all these years. I read his letter when I got home. Unfortunately, it didn't get to me on time. I would have probably invited him at last to my birthday if I had read it earlier. He said he was sorry. He said he was a changed man. And it was enough for me. For all I know, he could have been carrying a greater burder with him than I have been because of the incident way back. Before my birthday, I know I said that I forgave him already. But then I learned, forgiveness is just a word. You can forgive but you cannot automatically forget. I needed that "sorry" to forget. Is that bad? He was like a brother to me and it hurts to feel that after the incident, its as if he'd just gone to a far away place. We lived as if nothing happened. As if we never knew each other. But at that certain moment, he remembered. He cared. And that lifted the years of burden. I can now say I'm free. Free from that bad experience. Because it doesn't matter anymore. It's been over for so long and there's nothing more to be bothered about. When I see him, I don't see a bad guy anymore. I see Enteng now. Enteng who now has a wife and a baby. And I have Manuel.

"Everyday is a happy day!":p