august 7

I can't believe it's already been more than a month since i posted here. I always wanted this blog to be updated at least once a month. oh well. sadness creeps within me. lately, i'm experiencing depression more constantly that however low i have gotten throughout my life. if i'll endure a negative emotion before, it'll be for a very pin pointed reason. but now, i feel "walang gana" in everything. i don't laugh often, i NEVER feel high anymore. 4A sucks! i hate being in a room with the people i don't like. banne and her alipores, dj and friends... even the ragna peeps who's got my friend now. Eisen. during laboratory hours, i always make myself useless. i do the conclusion and that's it! i get really bored and sleepy. i don't want to see banne. i hate her. not because of her patrick, that's so impossible! but because of what she did to me. in the classroom its as if everyone's eyeing me. its like they know tha bad thing i did. as if i was the one who did worse! gosh i hate them. i hate them all! and the hatred grows more and more now that things turned out bad for me. and because of what? one voice? or i dunno what, eisen's gotten close to other people - richard and wacky. i'm still seatmates with rainer and selina and that's good. they're the only ones who didn't change in any way. of course, eisen's still my friend but i felt our relationship lessened. i felt it and i guess its another thing that depresses me - that i wasn't able to take care of our friendship. ion is great. i'm also thankful for his friendship. same goes for darwin, as he is also part of one voice now. rudolf is okay still. he's an outcast just like me. julian's still my friend and he still is the best in class. i'm sad for his case with sir amon though. i guess other that that, there's no more. out of more around 30 persons in class, they're all i find worth seeing and talking with. others are okay but lets just say they're just there. i hate this feeling in class. specially in labs. i remember one time in ee lab, banne "forgot" to write my name in the group post lab, unaware that i was sitting beside her while she was writing. at first my reaction was just "aaawwww" maybe she didn't mean to. but then as time passes by, i get pissed off more and more. just seeing her. and if it goes on until graduation, i dunno. i'll be the happiest person to graduate in 2008! i hate this! another thing is with one voice. i don't know with kuya ryan but sometimes i get irritated with him. that is when he gets irritated with me or something, but he doesn't say it directly to me. sometimes i just don't want to talk to him. and that affects the whole of one voice. for weeks now, i don't use my phone and pc often. my "nakakwalang gana" stage just aggravated. i just let go of it if and keep quiet, lay low, if it happens again. he'll talk to me again but i just don't want to blah blah.... aaarrrrgggghhhh i'm really hating this! i just don't think i can have fun with ov as long as we're both officers! if we're just a barkada we'll probably be okay. i'm really hating this work relationship if he'll be like that and i'll be irritated! right now i'm still invisible to him in ym and he's online! he could probably be chatting with whoever. i shouldn't have gotten to close with him in chat and text this summer. we didn't even have deep conversations. he's probably not the kind of person i'll easily open up to. gosh i'm hating my ov life! worse than that, i can't sing! they can't hear me! i hate this! i can't seem to hook up with my high school friends because of our contradicting or busy schedules! this is the worst part of all i guess. feeling really really bad and there's no one there to talk to. not even my other college friends or my yj family, or tita ollie, or anyone else! nobody to talk about this... senedy? sheesh, she's moved on.. and i can't because i'm stuck... it's only almost half of the semester! what can i do? i'm failing my econ, emags and dsp! i'm probably failing socio as well because the prof is an early bird addict who gives exams as soon as the 7am bell rings. gosh! what am i not hating? what? i'm hating everything right now! i'm just still thankful that the family issue's over. i have no "love life". i'm still alive! hehehe i should be thinking of the beautiful happy stuff! not whinning over silliness! but still... *sigh* i hate my life right now...where's the happy, positive, etc etc me? -_- i'll just sleep... that's what i'm good at anyway...
"Everyday is a happy day!":p