white christmas

damn! from my last post til now, my life just got worse... kuya ryan... i doubt if things get back the way it was between us... after we won first runner up in himig tomasino last december 15, he kinda got back to the group... "the group" but not necessarily back to who i used to know... sometimes, even if we don't expect it, even if we want to, even if we want things to be the way it was, when something changes, we have to accept the fact that it did and there's nothing we can do about it. even if everything should be okay now between us, there's still something that hinders that. it may be that i've already lost my "appeal" to him... it's as if i don't wanna get to close with him anymore, probably for fear of getting hurt again... it's my defense mechanism i guess... when someone hurts me badly, i tend to turn away from that person. why would a person hurt the one they love? maybe they don't intend to but they do. i know i do so sometimes. but then just like the problem with b-anne, if only he opened up to me and became open-minded about it... *sigh* or maybe i'm just too embarassed about the things i did and did not do for ov... during this second semester, i haven't contributed as much to OV as i have. one reason is because i've always contributed to kuya ryan. since he was in his own world, i haven't talked as much. i've been late several times during practice. i forgot to make letters. i printed faulty letters. i just haven't been there for OV. i kinda backed out of my responsibilities. but then, he used to tell me everything. he stopped doing it when he changed. and i, sure that i did nothing wrong, let him be. kept quiet because i didn't think i had to do something. there were zy and kuya jhek for that. i have other things to think about. more important things. could it just be pride? i dont know. but i'm sure i'm not the kind of person who'll woo someone who i think i didn't do wrong. *sigh* whatever! i'm getting irritated by this... i hope he graduates soon... he just added to my already bad year. woah... my year started wrong, it's not about to end wrong. hope my next year starts right. another thing about ov... last christmas party, 2 days ago at carl's... they announced that carl would be the next president. i know i've always said that i can't do it. they've always told be i'd be the next president. a part of me don't really want to because i'm scared i won't be able to pull it off. specially now that ov's becoming huge. will i be able to sustain this image? i was too doubtful that i thought i'd mess up and lie low so that they'd change their mind. and they did change their mind after all. i messed up good. but then a part of me hurts. so much. i shouldn't be feeling this. this is what i wanted, right?? i am scared about my studies... why am i feeling this way? i should be happy that i won't be president... i might not even want to be an officer... a lot of people were expecting... and honestly, i was too... but i guess it just proves that i'm not fit to... i was never born a leader... i just have to accept that... *ouch* 3 months til they're gone... 5th year... kuya jhek read my future... he said i was going to be in a struggle between my org and my studies... if it was for ov i know i'd fight... fight hard... that's how much i love that org... it's been my life for one year now... damn... we won for the second time, first runner up... now beating science who didn't join last year... next year pharma's not joining the contest so we do have a fighting chance of taking home the gold... just really need to pump up the volume a little and it's okay... haaaay ov... i love and hate you all the same...
"Everyday is a happy day!":p