Unload Complete?

Like I said, I'll unload all the pressure. Lying low in CA/Nu Skin. (Still haven't talked to kris and co personally due to sked conflicts. She said we need to talk personally with Coach Raph present. Although the other day I asked for an update on the feedback from my email. Ludwig and Kris both said sorry. Somehow, my burdensome feeling towards them was lifted). Unloading condo and Manny. Trying to be back in relationship with OV and my family.

For the past three weeks, the process of unloading manifested itself. For a while it felt great. It felt great to be lifted from all the pressure. But the past few days however, I feel like I just got back from where I started. I was exactly where I didn't want to be before I started investing, before I started CA, before OV, and so on. Except that there are no happy moments with friends or flings. Few days ago, Manny and I posted our new relationship status on FB. I was nervous at first to face questions and interrogations, but when it came, I'm happy that after explaining that it was for growth, everyone I talked with was okay with my decision, our decision. Until today, I still feel that Manny still acts as if we're still together. Sometimes its irritating. But when he's not doing it, I miss him. I think what's wrong with me is that I actually crave for attention or recognition. I didn't realize it until now, I though I always wanted to be in the backseat, to fade in the background but I guess, I think, subconsciously, what I want is for people to notice me, but for people to see only what's good. I think too much of what other people think of me. This I realized when I posted my New Look album in FB. I dyed my hair brown. I took pictures of my self, edited them a bit using Piknik and it got off to some that it was a "single and ready to mingle" album. It's sad because I didn't intend for that to come across. Am I doing it subconsciously? I don't want to believe I do. Wrt Lindon, I envy them mountain climbing on Independence Day. =) I just hate him toying with my emotions. Every morning he walks up to me and bothers me. Online, he doesn't lately. What is his big love life secret? Going to Singapore because of a girl? Is he going to be a father? Hehe I don't know. But right now, whatever feelings that I want to tell him sometimes, right now there's none. I'm always hoping that when my feelings fade, it will never ever come back again but it always does. I'm always hoping that I will never get the chance to tell him how I feel because I know that if I do, I'll be the laughing stock. He knows we've broken up but there's nothing to it. Boys. They're like that. Just like Lyndon before telling me about the poem meant for me instead of Banne. LIE. Just like Patrick saying I really wanted you first before I wanted Banne. We broke up last December, his father punched me. LIE. Lindon? Yes, I know he's another LIE. =)

I hope something kicks my but so I can jump start to a new and fresh me. =) What is missing, my Lord? Show it to me. =)

"Everyday is a happy day!":p