CLM: Open Book

02.25.16
I shared with Charles my intimate history, my deepest secrets. Thru Line private chat. Because it cannot wait any longer. Here it is:

Dear Charles,

First of all, I'll try na hindi ito gawing libro pero expect it to be descrptive enough. Hopefully not too much or too less. So expect it to be long pa rin.

This topic of "intimacy" is so very very hard to discuss face to face. Believe me. I tried many many times. Sa UP, sa Moa, sa Technohub. I have reasons kung bakit urong sulong ako. Mamaya malalaman mo. Pero i opted to write na lang din kahit mas maganda sanang marinig mo sa tono ng boses at sa facial expression ko. Kasi feeling ko mas maeexpress ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin, lahat ng emotions na narramdaman ko at different times. Instead na yung narramdaman ko lang at the moment na magusap tayo. Mapproof read ko sha para makita ko kung nasabi ko ba lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. Hindi ako maddistract ng mata mo. Hindi ako machichicken mid sentence. At least pagbigay ko sayo ng phone ko, there's no turning back. :) this sharing, for me is a huge leap in our relationship. How you will react to this today, in the coming days, months, even years, will affect our relationship very much. I just want to remind you that I love you. Even if i say "not too much", sometimes i do. Masasaktan ka sa mga sasabihin ko. Ngayon pa lang i want to say im sorry and i only have the best intention in writing this.

Let me take you back to the history of intimacy. My history! Well, alam mo naman na na back in high school, yung super close kong kababata e di macontain ang hormones nya at sakin naibunton. Ok na kami, yes. Pero narealize ko, hindi pa ko nakakarating dun sa sinabi once ni bro bo about turning your bad experiences into triumph. He was able to overcome that bad experience and he's now proud that he did. I will try to make you understand what molestation does to innocent people. Alam mo yung sinasabi ng mattanda na once you've tried sex you can never get enough? Or anything sexual for that matter. Kung ginusto mo siguro walang problema. Pero what if it was forced unto you? Since he would touch me habang natutulog ako dati, minsan nasa panaginip ko yun, minsan bigla na lang akong magigising. Feeling very weird, confused, pero somehow feeling good. Until that last time na i woke up, fully conscious, my senses really present on what was going on pero di ako makagalaw e. At di din ako pwedeng gumalaw. Di naman ako eskandalosa andun si richard sa taas ng double deck. Plus sobrang shocked pa ko na naconfirm yung hinala ko. We grew up together. He was like my brother. How could he? After nun nagkulong ako sa cr. Umiyak na parang walang bukas. Binigyan sha ng hate letter at di na sha bumalik ng bahay. Nung debut ko lang nakwento ke mama yun kasi nagrreach out yun guy ayaw ko papuntahin ng debut ko. Ni hindi nagalit si mama. Hindi nya ko kinomfort. Tho knowing mama hindi nya lang alam pano magexpress ng verbal. Ok lang baka matagal na nyang alam yun. Going baaaack. After nung araw na binigyan ko sha ng hate letter, i would find myself doing what he did. Then cry of guilt because its so wrong. Diba masama yung ginawa nya sakin? Bakit ko ginugusto? Ibig sabihin masama din ako. Charles, naalala mo ba yung time in the middle of our intimate moment na natanong mo "kelan mo nalaman na sensitive yan?" (Or paano mo nalaman?) Well, sa kanya ko nalaman sa panahon na di ko pa dapat nalaman. No one should ever take away that choice from a person. The choice of when and to whom the person opens that door of intimacy. I never had that choice. He took that away from me. And so the pleasure-cry cycle began. Sometimes id give in to temptation and cry. But when i dont give in, nagiging proud ako sa sarili ko. That was a season na puno ng anger, fear, shame, self doubt. Nagalit ako kay God. Pero eventually naovercome ko lahat. Kaya naman kung gugustuhin. Im happy na God made me strong on my own. Kasi yung ibang tao naadik sa sex. I did my research. Im blessed pa rin and im proud na at a yount age na hindi ako napariwara.
PS. I'll share with you my blogpost about it if you want to read it. I like reading it once in a while.

Fast forward to age 20 nagkaron ako ng first bf. Hindi counted yung sa ilocos ha. He had "experience". I was naive. He touched me once. Nakipagbreak ako. Iniyakan nya ko nagexplain sha. Bati na uli kami. Nakita ko naman yung sincerity nya at sabi nya di nya na uulitin. Pero naulit ng naulit. (Sounds familiar?) I guess hindi pa ako ready sa pinasok ko. Akala ko since catholic school kami, given na na hindi dapat mainvolve sexualy. Maling akala. Di ko naconsider ang power hormones at ang pagiging irresistable ko. Your family, school, church, media will tell you dont do this dont do that but they wont tell you how to avoid it. At that time i didnt know how. And the cycle returned. Napush ng napush yung limit until IT finally happened. And when IT happened, right then and there umiyak ako for the first time na parang namatay yung buong mundo at ako na lang ang natira. And that, i feel, is an understatement. Imagine i always dreamt and expected my "first" on my wedding night, with my husband, masaya at in love. Pero kabaliktaran ang nangyari. Gumunaw ang mundo ko. Nasira ang mga pangarap ko. Hiyang hiya ako sa sarili ko pati kay God. Galit ako sa sarili kong hinayaan ko yun. I felt so bad words cant describe it. Sobrang daming emotions sabay sabay. Umiyak ako ng ilang oras hanggang sa sumakit yung ulo ko at literal na maubos ang luha ko. Habang sha walang magawa to console me. Nadiscover kong nauubos pala ang luha. Looking back, hindi ko talaga alam kung pano mapprevent yun dahil 1. Nung time na yun, hindi ko alam na dapat hindi hinahayaang maiwan lang ang 2 tao in private kasi kahit magpromise ang lalaking di magaadvance hindi nya mapiligilan. I wish i knew better. 2. Hindi ko pa kayang panindigan yung paniniwala ko. Mataas tingin ko sa kanya e. What if tama naman yung pananaw nya baka ako yung mali at makaluma. 3. Mahal ko yung tao. Napapasaya ko sha. Kelangan ko magcompromise. Nasa personality ko din mashado akong mabait. 4. I gave up easily. Hindi dapat ako nagsabi ng NO 10 times lang. Dapat 100 or 1000 or 10000 hanggang sa sha yung sumuko. 5. I didnt have anyone to talk to. Sinasarili lang namin problema namin. Nassolve naman e. Importante pala na may support group or confidant man lang. 6. Based on past experience mas madali akong mattempt kasi maaga akong namulat sa ganung experience. Nagstick sakin yung interview ni Iya Villana dati about being a virgin nung kinasal sha. Sabi nya "pano ka manghhinayang if u dont know what ur missing out on." i wasnt given the opportunity of "not knowing what im missing". And I was not given a bf with the same values. Months after our break up ipinagluksa kong muli yung loss na yun from our relationship. I gave too much hindi rin naman pala kami mageend up together. I felt dirty. Nahihiya ako sa mapapangasawa ko. Pano ko sasabihin sa kanya yung past ko? Reading the right books gave me strength and wisdom to face another day. Mistakes were made but lessons were learned. I gotta keep moving on.

God is good and He loves me. His timing is always perfect. Hinayaan man nyang mangyari sakin yung mga bagay na yun, pinabasa nya pa rin sakin yung books na nagsave sakin. Nilead nya ko sa tamang daan. I learned how I should focus on preparing myself, ika nga, instead of searching for the right person, be the right person muna at maatract mo din ang right person. I learned that I can have a second virginity. God has forgiven me and I can commit myself to being chaste until marriage for the 2nd time. Nagpromise ako kay God na sa susunod kong bf hindi na yun mauulit. Pipili ako ng mabuti. Yung irerespect yung paniniwala ko about PMS kasi yun din ang paniniwala nya. At magiging gift ko sa kanya on our wedding bed yun. Then came you, Charles. We started out as a fairy tale. But from the moment you tried to break me, everything went downhill. I tried to apply the things i've learned from my past. Happy pa nga ako nung una kasi mafeel ko man ang urge, it was managable. Never did I try to provoke you. Thankful ako sa restrictions natin noon. But you managed to tear down my wall eventually. Kahit sabihin kong nagguilty ako, ayoko, kahit umiyak ako, kahit sabihin kong bbreakin kita. Nothing stopped you as long as theres an opportunity na maggive in ako. It was hard for the both of us. I started to doubt a lot of things. It was like when adam and eve ate the forbidden fruit. All of a sudden, paradise became "reality" and they saw each other naked and felt shame.

Sorry kung ngayon ko lang nashare lahat dahil sa mga reasons na to..
1. Fear. Kung anong magiging reaksyon mo. Fear kung pano mo ko ijjudge. At fear na baka itake advantage mo yung fact na wala na kong pinangangalagaan. Fear na walang mangyari after is or hindi maganda mangyari after this.
2. Pride and shame. Shempre. Lalo na nung sinabi mong inexperienced ka. Sa totoo lang nung sinabi mo yun narelieve ako kasi naisip kong mas kkayanin mong magcontrol (nagassume lang). At the same time lalo akong nahiya shempre. Gusto ko na sana sabihin sayo nung nalaman kong inassume mo palang virgin pa ko pero di ko na nagawa. Parang ang taas ng tingin mo sakin hundi naman pala. At ako pa naman yung babae satin. Kunyari strong ako weak naman pala.
3. Trust. Inisip ko.. Kung wala pa kong singsing sa kamay, bakit ko sasabihin sayo. Hindi naman requirement yun sa relationship. Hindi ko pa kelangan sabihin sayo lahat. Gusto ko magtira ng para sakin. This is too personal. Aalagaan mo ba ko? I guess nasa point na tayo ng relationship na pwede ko ng sabihin sayo lahat ng deepest darkest secrets ko. Or kelangan na din talaga. Trust is getting out of hand. Baka hindi mo na din ako pagkatiwalaan neto. I may overthink this too much but i hope you understand.
4. Strategy. Baka sakaling mas pangangalagaan mo ko kung iisipin mong kelangan ipreserve. Call me selfish and cunning pero wala naman akong pinanghahawakan. I dont know the future. Mabuti nang safe ako now.
5. If u asked, I would have told you the truth. Everyone else assumes that im sexually pure. Pero yung iilang taong nagtanong, including acriza, sinasabi ko naman yung totoo. Im not proud of it but i wont lie about it. Sinubukan ko icorrect yung pagaassume mo pero sometimes i think its better na hindi mo alam for my own good din.
6. You're always so very very happy around me. Its hard to break your bubble. You make it hard for me say sad/bad things pag lagi kang masaya

Why im telling you now:
1. Because i want to break the cycle. And i want you to know how damn serious i am and how much this is affecting me. Alam ko na yung kalalabasan pag pinagpatuloy natin to. The future is not bright ive seen it before. The cycle ends now. Naisip ko, anong pinagkaiba ng ngayon sa dati? Kung nagrrepeat lang ang history, ibig sabihin hindi ako naggrow. Hindi ata ako papayag na sabihing walang nagbago sakin at ganun pa rin ako kaya wala ding nagbago sa naaattract kong tao sa buhay ko. Kumbaga sa work parang lateral transfer lang ang nangyari at hindi promotion. Well i guess i still have a lot to learn at dapat inaapply ko yung natututunan ko.
2. Sa 3 days na di tayo nagusap, i grew up. I felt light and free. Narealize ko na kaya ko na panindigan na makipagbreak sayo if something happens between us again. Ready na ko panindigan yung sinasabi ko kung kelanganin.
3. Everytime i say no and nothing happens between us im proud of myself. I feel like i can do anything. Im in control of my life. Everytime i give in, i feel disheartened. I feel so hurt. I feel like im a failure. I doubt myself. I look down on and hate myself sometimes. If i cant manage my urges and reach my simple relationship goals, how can i even dream of owning a big business? Siguro isang factor na rin yun kung bakit hindi mo na naririnig sakin ang mango farm. O kung anuman about my goals. Kasi hindi ko nararamdaman na kaya ko silang maabot. Siguro nga reason yun kung bat i feel stuck sa buhay. I cant keep my panties on. How can i expect myself to run a mango export business? How can i expect myself to take risk changing careers or trying new things if i cant even break free from this cycle? Kahit na ayoko pa talagang malaman mo, i want you to understand. Kaya kelangan ko ikwento. Of course i would often turn my nega thoughts around with positive self talk and prayer but then again, quick fix lang yun. Magiging ok ako, madedepress ako, magiging happy ako saglit... I need a permanent solution. Hindi sapat ang i need space para maging ok ako in the general term
4. Masyado na naging negative yung effect nya sakin for our relationship. Minsan bigla ko na lang naaalala at naiinis ako sayo or sakin. Nagagalit na ko at nawawalan ng gana and i want to change that sakaling hindi di pa huli. Minsan feeling ko ginagamit at minamanipulate mo ko (though i know you dont). Hindi ka nakikinig sakin. Sarili mo lang iniisip mo. Yung feeling na I dont want to get too close anymore kasi masasaktan lang nanaman ako. I dont feel safe sometimes. Kelangan isipin kong mabuti ang mga kilos ko, careful not to provoke you or anything. I cant let loose. I cant just express how i feel. I feel that its better to stay quiet. Lately pag nagpapacute ka nasisira mood ko. Pag naghhint ka ng overnyt nagiinit dugo ko. I dont want to get too close kasi alam nanaman natin san yun mapupunta eventually. My body is God's temple. I wont allow you or me to ruin it again and again. Hindi ko na hahayaang ipafeel mo sakin na im a failure. I wont allow you to make me feel guilty, confused, dirty. Ayoko ng umulit ang past. Wag mo na ipaalala sakin ang dark ages. Utang na loob. Im trying hard to take good care of God's temple. Please honor Him in me. Intentionally man o hindi, yun ang nagiging effect sakin. A good relationship is when you both bring out the best in each other. But you're making me the person I don't want to become. Maybe it works the other way around too. I could be distracting you from doing good. Tulad na lang ng pagindian sa friends mo. Ano na bang nangyayari satin?
5. Freedom. Freedom from the bonds of temptation. Freedom from keeping something from you kasi ayoko ng may tinatago sayo. Ngayon wala na kong maitatago. Nabigay ko na lahat. Naishare ko na lahat. Im an open book. And bigla akong natakot na sobra nanaman ata ang naibigay ko sa ngalan ng pagibig. Makkahinga na ko ng maluwag kasi nasabi ko na lahat sayo. Kung anuman mangyari satin in the future, i told you everything na. Wala na kong pagsisihan.

I know its very painful to read. Sinasaktan kita. Maaring galit ka sakin. Sobrang bigat ng mga sinabi ko sayo. I know that you love me and your physical acts are all acts of love. But i cant bring myself to be okay with it even if at that exact moment i enjoy it. I just cant. Its too much. Ive already given too much. And i already took too much from you. I know that its hard for you. Mahirap din naman sobra para sakin. Kung ok pa tayo sana matupad mo yung pangarap ko to remain pure until the time is right. Hindi ko na matutupad yun para sa sarili ko. Pero ikaw kaya mo pa. Sana ikaw na lang tumupad ng pangarap ko. Please dont give me pleasure because it is fleeting. Give me joy instead because it will give my heart peace and contentment. Free me from the chains that bind me. Dont worry, i have nothing against being intimate with the one you love. It is a wonderful expression of love. Im only against what i think is wrong/bad. Hindi ako magmamalinis na sabihing napakabait kong tao but i want to be a good person. Ika nga, it's not how good you are but how good you want to be. I want to give my best self to honor God. Alam ko through the years i have become stronger, mas may paninindigan at mas mahal ang Diyos. Mas mahal ko Siya kesa sayo. Sa ngalan ng pagibig ko sayo andito pa rin ako. Pero sa ngalan ng pagibig ko sa Kanya, kaya kong humiwalay sayo. Naniniwala akong God will take care of me as always. I may have resentment over the things that happened but im not condemning you. I feel pain knowing that im causing you pain. For that i am sorry.

To end, we can never turn back time and change the things that we wish never happened. But there is hope in today. To make better choices. Every "today" is a chance and a step forward to a direction that we choose for ourselves. The past is a learning experience. Tomorrow is endless. Please let me know your thoughts. If possible with no filter. Pwede mo ko tanungin ng kahit ano. Sasagutin ko lahat. Thank you for taking the time to read my nobela.



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"Everyday is a happy day!":p