Finally... First Work Experience

"Life is about making mistakes," said the Teacher. "Cells went on reproducing themselves in exactly the same way for millions of years until one of them made a mistake, and introduced change into that endless cycle of repetition."

-Paulo Coelho in Brida



I've been wanting to express my feelings by way of posting here for a while now because I want to keep my friends updated. And yes, during these gloomy moments, I need you. Time may be a factor, schedules doesn't match up, distance may not be as close as before, but in the morning when I greet you through text, if I get a reply, even if I don't, I'm happy because I love you. I long for you people. Drama!

This is an attempt to blog.=) My thoughts are still incoherent. My emotions are still a little topsy turvey. My sentiments still wavering. I'm often careful with what I say since what you say affects me too. As confused as I am, I'm not sure if what I'll write here will depict what I want to say or what I do exactly feel. I might get carried away with a certain sentiment and dwell on that in a negative way. I'm scared to go back to crying because I'm alone when in fact I'm not. No one is. Right now, I have to say, madali akong mapanghinaan ng loob, pero madali din akong mauplift ng mga taong sumusuporta saken. Siguro nga kayo talaga ang strength ko. I might get feedbacks that could either ease what I feel or make me more confused. But now, I believe I'm ready to share and hear from different point of views. Sana lang madeliver ko ng maayos.

In the past two months or so, I've been struggling to adapt with the changes adulthood and independence (aka employment) has in store for me. Sabi nga nila, God won't give you something He knows you can't handle. Compared to others I've talked with, balewala lang yung pinoproblema ko. Compared to over 90% of Filipinos, ano bang kelangan kong problemahin? Compared to most people, specially those in areas more depressed than the poorest in the Philippines, wala naman akong problema. Do we really have to compare ourselves with the miserable condition of others just to feel good in our situation? I daresay no. It feels a la crab mentality that you'd have to push others down just to get to the top. Maybe it's just me but I really don't like how that idea works. Yun kasi yung lagi nilang ginagamit na comparison lagi saken. A better way to put it would be, kung kaya nila kaya ko rin!

Work is not how I imagined it would be. During OJT days, I realized work is not as scary as I thought it would be. So when I was finally employed, I was excited. Little did I know that I'd feel unhappy as days went by. I don't fit in the job description. I don't belong. This is not the job for me. I don't like my cubicle workstation, I feel isolated. The place is too far and it has affected my health. Yup, puro ako reklamo. I'm only putting more strain on myself by isolating these complaints and focusing on them. Somehow, I need to feel them all. Specially the emotions that are new to me. Sabi nga ni Mitch Albom sa favorite book kong TUesdays with Morrie,
"If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid." May nagsabi saken, siguro daw naninibago pa ko sa bagong environment. As students, nasanay tayo sa classroom set up. Teachers talk, we listen. We were spoonfed. With work, it's totally different. You're on your own. There's no syllabus, no exam, no pass or fail then retake. Everything you do is crucial. In my case, there are times when I have nothing to do. There are times I'll be alone in our group, get a call that the system is down and I, being new all don't know how to respond. Haha nakakakaba sobra. Pag tapos na ko sa pinapabasa at walang ginagawa, ang dami kong naiisip. Sad to say, puro negative yung naiisip ko. Instead of dwelling on things I dont WANT, I need to constantly focus on things I do NEED. No one can ever truly feel happiness without experiencing the feeling of sadness. No one reaches the top without climbing from the bottom. I felt pressure to learn things that I don't know at work. (which is too much considering I have almost zero background) I was eager because I felt useless. (Hindi pa man din ako nahilig sa computers tapos eto pala yung papasukin ko. Haha! Just like ECE. It was never "my course" but for some other reason, I'm happy I took it.) I have so many things to learn but why the heck am I just sitting here? There's no specific book to tell me what I need to learn. Later on, an officemate told me "Ang maganda nga dito, hindi ka nila pinipressure. Unti unti matututunan mo rin yung mga ginagawa. Yung mga training, dun mo talaga maiintindihan yung mga ginagawa nila. Kahit ako nung nagsimula wala rin ako maintindihan e. Ganun lang talaga sa simula. Base sa experience ko na nakapagwork na sa labas, maganda na dito... Kung ako sayo hindi na ko lilipat pero ikaw bahala." Only then did I realize I was being too hard on myself. Toink! Yun kasi ang mahirap pag ikaw lang ang bagong salta. Hindi ko masabi kung ngpprogress ba ko o ano. At this point, I was able to attend my first training in Makati. Hindi ko natapos kasi nagkasakit ako. Although I was the only one in our company who attended the training, I had little problem communicating with other people from different companies who attended with me. The experience gained me confidence. Little by little, I'm acquiring the technical aspect I need for the job. At the same time, my weakness in geography is also being addressed since trainings are usually held by different training centers or companies located everywhere. Most importantly, I felt that improvement, the independence, the potential to be useful. I'm going to have to attend to a lot more trainings in the future. Madami pa kong matututunan. Madami pang taong makakasalamuha. Magggrow pa.

In terms of work environment, people in my division are friendly. They treat each other as family. There's always pasalubong for everyone everytime one comes back from a vacation. They even bought OV's concert tickets kahit hindi sila makakanood e. (touching!) In some ways, I feel lucky that of all companies, of all workmates, of all people to see everyday, happy family yung napuntahan ko. I'm not materialistic, I don't have a hunger for power, money is just money. For me, what's most important is the company you have with you as you work. As of now, after two months, I still can't get there. I'm still aloof. I'm hoping that soon, it will be comfortable enough. Reality is, they're not the family I'm used to. We have a shifting schedule so the people I go to lunch with today won't be the one's I'll be with tomorrow. Para saken mahirap yun kasi matagal nga bago ako maging comfy sa tao bigla pa mawawala agad diba? The reason here could be, don't cling to things because everything is impermanent.Onga pala, I didn't mention, the hardest part of everything I'm going through is due to the fact that I'm an introvert, lacking self confidence, contented in the confines of my safe box, scared to meet new people. Bata pa lang ako ngwworry na si mama kasi hindi daw ako nangkkausap ng bata kaya pinasok nya ko sa school malapit samen ng ilang weeks muna bago ako formally mgstart ng school. Sa school, sa org, madami ka rin makakausap. Pero iba pa rin pala yung feeling pag old people o mataas na yung position ng kaharap ko. Intimidating. Hirap ako maging comfy. Why is it that other people don't have a problem with that and I do? I always ask myself that but that's just the way I am. I try to convince myself that's it is the sole reason why I am put in this exact position. To be able to improve these weaknesses. Even if I don't like it, it's still best that I try to improve it. Maybe someday I'll be thankful that I experienced misery and hardships, and I emerged triumphant. Maybe today, I just want to feel stable. I want to feel belongingness. I don't want to achieve anything, I just want to be at peace. But someday, I may want to reach high. It could be within the field I am now. It could be anything. But someday, I can use this experience to my advantage.

An important person told me once, growth is inevitable. Whether you like it or not, there's no other way to go than forward. Sabi nga nya, "You were hired because you were qualified." Even if you want to stay behind, you will move on. Time won't wait for you to be ready. Changes will always be in your path. And when it comes, you have to be ready. It is you who needs to adapt. People and situations won't adjust themselves to fit for your comfort. Everything is there for a reason. Everything that you need right now is right here. It's up to you to figure out what it is. You are being molded into exactly the way you should be. In the 22 years that God has given me, I have always found the meaning for His plans. Everytime I asked questions, there are always answers. For now I have plenty of questions left unanswered. Am I okay with my job and all its "side effects"? I really want to say yes. "Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else." Teaching can wait, jan ka muna sa work mo.

For other people, taking risks are exciting. It allows them to extend their boundaries. It gives them challenges to overcome, and winning always gives you something to feel good about. I, on the other hand don't. For me it's scary, but like I said, it's inevitable. Things are perceived by different people differently. Emotions are felt even if you want to feel otherwise. You will feel hurt, sad, alone, useless, unsatisfied and so on, and there's nothing you can do about it. It will be there. It will manifest itsef. It will let itself be known. What then can you do? You can either use it as a tool for your own personal growth or destruction. How you act on a certain emotion will Parang ang simple sabihin. There's a cause, there's a result you want. The hardest part is in between.


"One day at a time."

At this point, I'm in the verge of trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life. A month ago gusto ko na magquit. I want to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a teacher. A month ago, sinisisi ko yung layo, gusto ko na magapartment. Basically, a month ago, I just want to give up. When I look at the sky while riding in the MRT, I wish I was laying on the grass in the mountains. During lunchtime when the lights are off in the office, I ponder how rewarding it would be if I were in class teaching. I felt that if I am where I am now, I'm doing nothing to change the world. If I'm teaching kids, I'm touching their lives and I'm opening a bright future ahead of them. At home, si Mama naman, "NagECE ka pa mgtteacher ka lang. Bat ka pa lilipat, ang ganda ganda na ng napasukan mo. Yung iba nga jan walang makuhang trabaho tapos magtteacher ka lang?" It hurts to hear those words specially from your own mother. Yung pagtteacher na pangarap ko minamaliit lang ng iba. But come to think of it, she's right. It is a good job. It is a good company. It pays good enough compared to others. Makuntento na ko. When family's involved, wala na kong masabi. Specially with Mama, I want to make her happy. I can't give her what she wants with a teacher's salary. I can't give her free flights. If I know that Mama will be happy, and my future will be better if I stay, then it would be okay. Sacrifice. May magandang sinabi tungkol dito yung pari sa mass nung holy week e. Nakalimutan ko lang kung ano. Sa haba ng nobela ko sa wakas tinatamad na ko magsulat.

So now, what do I want to do? I'm giving myself 1 year from the start of my employment to assess my status. If I feel nothing has changed or if my body can't handle shifting schedule, I'll either transfer to another department where they have a normal 8-5 schedule, or I'll look for another job, which could possibly be as a teacher nga din since mejo malapit na pasukan nun. If I survive the year with optimism, the better. I won't have to think of taking another path and starting back from scratch. The latter sounds better so I'm hoping I can stick to that plan. Whether or not I stay after a year, I feel deep inside that I won't grow old in this line of work. As our manager said during my interview, "PAL will be your life." During my stay, maybe yes, but there will come a time when I'll have a family of my own and I'd want them to be my life. Although my mother advised me not to become a housewife (to have a financial fallback if ever the husband cheats and I'd want to be separated haha) when I decide to build my own family, I realize that not having enough time for the family is just as bad. When I have children of my own, I want to see them grow similar to how my mother took care of me. If I'm a teacher I can be that. If I'm a landlady I can be that. Haha! In short, if I save now, I can think of more ways later on to be the what I want to be. It's never too late to fulfill your dreams, nasa early years pa lang tayo.

Right now, we are arranging to look for an apartment in Villamor. (Sino gusto sumama saken? hehe!) After being admitted to the hospital last thursday, my parents finally agreed that it would be better for me if I live near my workplace. My parents' condition before was that if I have my classmates to share an apartment with, they'll allow me to rent. But now, even if my classmates don't want to stay in the apartment with me, or if they're not yet ready (Darwin? haha!), we're still going to find an apartment for me to stay. Bahala na si batman kung sino muna kasama ko. Haha! Tinatamad na ko ang haba na. Iiwanan ko na lang kayo ng paborito kong linya ngayong mga panahon na to.


"One day at a time." Don't think of the past, don't think of the future. What God is giving you now is what He knows you need now. Take each day at a time and find reason to enjoy the things you have. If I have a reason to stay, why do I need to go? My life has been ruled by decisions I didn't take, rather, decisions God made for me when I can't decide on my own. He has never failed me. Although it's hard, I'm certain right now that I'm on the right track. When you're down, there's no way to go but up.

Sana mas madalas ko pa kayo makita, makatext, makausap at makasama. Kasi ang buhay, hindi nasusukat sa kung gano kataas yung naabot mong position, hindi sa dami ng perang naaccumulate mo, kundi sa relationships na napatatag mo through touching people's lives, allowing them to grow while you grow with them. Ngayon ko mas narerealize na sana, mas nakapagbigay ako ng oras sa mga kaibigan at pamilya ko. It's never too late pa naman diba?=) Hay ang saya pala magblog! Stress reliever!=) I should blog more often. Hehe!

"Everyday is a happy day!":p